Is your secretary (the OW) still working with you?
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Our marriage wasn’t bad, but we had some arguments, like everyone, but about two years ago I really started getting depressed about our relationship. As stated, we have four girls, it got to the point where I gave baths, cooked supper, got them ready for school/daycare, dropped them off, picked them up, ect. Of course, she helped sometimes, but I easily did 75%.
Is your W employed? In spite of her parent's warning, you chose to place your W on a pedestal while taking on 75% of the chores. I might understand the outside work, farm animals, etc., but I'm curious as to why you were persistent in leaving her with little to do. Is your love language acts of service?
I suspect your W will expect you to continue 75% of the work, b/c you have spoiled her and she will struggle just learning how to put on her big girl panties all by herself.
I think her anger toward you not staying to talk, had more to do with being left alone to deal with all the kids.........since you always took care of everything. As time progresses, you will probably see a lot more anger that you don't understand. Just look in the mirror and remember you created this princess. I think she'll want you over there to help every evening that she is "stuck" with caring for the kids and being responsible for all that work she's never had to do. I mean, she may not know what bills to pay or when, etc. IMHO, it is a disservice to his W when a H leaves nothing for her to do. Hopefully, she has the type of personality where she'll dive in and be determined to learn how to handle running the house..........but, we'll see. Once you reconcile, be smart and don't pick up 75% of the work again.
Okay, so about your affair. Was it physical?
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My wife took on a new happiness that hadn’t been there since I can remember, we were like kids in love. We flirted, we touched, we smiled, we talked and communicated, things seemed perfect. Occasionally some memory or trigger would happen and she would have a rough day, I would ask her what she needed from me, and she a lot of times would ask me if I really wanted her, If I really loved her, that I didn’t stay because of guilt, I would confirm all those thing, tell her it was never her, it was me, and then after a day or two things were good again. But those episodes got fewer and fewer.
You thought you were seeing your W take on a new happiness, but in reality, she was competing with the secretary....or an OW#2 in the future, if she (your W) wasn't enough for you. She wanted to present herself and your MR as so wonderful that you would never consider another woman/affair. But her pain and low self esteem was there.......she just wouldn't show it to you, except in those times she desperately needed reassurance. This is just MHO, of course. Perhaps the reason these times of reassurances became less, was b/c her pain was shifting to anger.
I may change my mind once we have more information, but at the moment, I feel your W is having a revenge affair. I think she was so affected by your betrayal that she wanted you to experience the pain she has suffered. When ole smooth talker (OM) appeared, he fit the job description.........that's all.
Long road ahead, so I hope you stick around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
