Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Just checking in.

After the last debacle of our last conversation, it appears we've reached some sort of equilibrium. We're being cordial and having some conversations (Short ones) when the kids are awake and we're eating dinner.

My patience was tested the other day out of the blue. The W went out to clean up the garage. Which she did. In the middle of it dinner was ready so we were eating and then she went back out. Later she came back in and said, "I wish you would've come out there to help me finish. (I was cleaning up after dinner. My turn for the kids meals according to the schedule.)

I almost started the "You forfeited the right to ask me to help you do anything, let alone complain about it!" speech. But I didn't. I was a little pissed but I blew it off and didn't react. I just said, "Oh, I thought you were done."

I'm mentally vacillating from one extreme to the other. From, "I'll do anything to save my marriage." through "There's no way I can stay married.". This week, I'm leaving. Next minute, hour, day, week... Who knows? I suppose this is why it's best not to make rash, emotional decisions.

I know i'm not supposed to think of the big D but my mind goes there when I think of the amount of time I have left on the earth in comparison to how long it would take to be happy again without her. How many years will it take to do all of this work only to discover it didn't work in the first place and we get divorced anyway? It'll only take 9-12 months to get through the legal part of the divorce.

The court moved the adoption date to next month but acknowledged the permanent placement in the adoptive home and took our S out of the foster care system. That's some consolation for the date move.

Crappy though!

During IC last week my therapist asked me to read the book, "Un-%uck Yourself". It made a lot of sense and will be very helpful to me when I figure out which way this goes.

There's a saying in the Navy about ejecting from a malfunctioning airplane, "Know when to go, then go." My marriage is the airplane and I'm not sure if I can save it yet but right now, even though it's pointed down, it's still airborne.