On finances, we are spending more than I bring in, and my W is slow to go back to work. We do have a fairly large savings base, but it is not a tenable situation. The numbers are ugly. A year of separation would take another 3 years to dig out of. That kind of thing.
The pressure on both fronts is not currently felt by my W. She does not really grasp the financial hole we are digging in the way that I do. That's all good and fine - I don't want custody or money to be the reasons she wants to reconcile - but facts are facts and this situation is not workable long-term.
Yeah I agree with you on the finances thing. My W did not feel any repercussions until about 6 months ago. Then it hit hard - naturally, because I stopped problem solving for the both of us with temporary solutions and credit line consoldiations, which is how I juggled things during bad times and kept us above water for 2 decades.
I also don't want this to be the sole reason for Recon though. It is untenable for me right now, which is why I work 60 hours a week and am looking for a second job.
If you can, try to mitigate this sooner rather than later. Its a regret that I have - hopefully you can arrange something before it becomes a real problem (trust me it can get worse)
Originally Posted by Unchien
To your main question... If I felt ready to push to legalize the separation, I would probably just file for D.
Like most of us here, I feel like I've dropped the rope, but I'm sure there is an invisible thread I'm still hanging onto, and that may become evident at any time. I do think a lot lately about moving on. Maybe I have negative sentiment override now, but I look back at the last several years of our MR and see a controlling, high-strung, emotionally unavailable W, and I just cannot go back to that.
I thought I had dropped the rope but every once in a while something happens that makes me realize I'm still holding on to a thread. I dont think this ever completely goes away though. Gotta keep working at it.
I would recommend being careful that your emotions of upset or anger aren't causing you to rethink the past. It usually falls somewhere in the grey area - good times and also bad times. Otherwise we wouldn't put up with long term MR's and we wouldn't be here discussing how to potentially save them, right?
I believe it is possible, to build a new R, with our S's- but only after they have processed whatever it is they are going through, if they are ready and willing to work on themselves and also a new R, if the damage isn't too great, and if we are ready to forgive them.
Moving on...for me I guess that would be a life alone. For quite some time. It's not something I look forward to, but it would be absolutely necessary so I would be certain not to make the same mistakes over again. Also, I think I would need a lot of time to think about things and do the things that I want to do without having to compromise with a new person's agenda.
Not much would change on my end - I know what I want to do and I know how to get there. I see no reason to change what I want to accomplish in life due to my W wanting to leave (and for a while around BD i thought i had to do that)
What would moving on versus not moving on look like to you, U?
