So I drop the kids off, walk in the house, when I see her I looked at her smiled and said "hey, how are you?", and then went on telling my girls bye. Got done with that and said ok girls I got to go, have a few things to go do, and headed to toward the door. Said, " Okay see you later, hope the girls are good". Then she started in with, really, this is how we are going to be? we are just not going to talk? I just kept calm and said well you didn't talk to me all weekend just giving you the space I thought you wanted from me(She was with the OM, all weekend, you could tell she hadn't been home, and there was a big stack of clothes in her front seat), . She then said, "we have four girls to raise, we have to talk" I asked her if there was something to talk about with the kids? She said no, but you don't just have to drop them off and run off. Maybe this is bad, I don't know. I just respond, "this is your choice, and Im just trying to give you the space you asked for"
You handled it well, the reason you are confused is her negative reaction. The problem is nothing you do right now is going to get a positive reaction from her. She's looking for any reason at all to lash out. So just keep doing your thing and giving her that time and space. From now on I would suggest a small adjustment though, don't say "I'm just trying to give you the space you asked for" say "I think we both need time and space to think things through" or "I just need some time and space for a while". Because if you tell her you're giving her what she asked for then she's going to insist you don't understand, you're wrong, you're making things more difficult, blah blah blah. She's got to think you're moving on and doing things for YOU. If YOU need time and space from her, then she can't argue with that.
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How could I have handled that better. I never raised my voice, acted defensive, or argued. I just wanted to drop my kids off and go. She acts like we are supposed to be best friends and wants to talk. I can't be best friends with her when all I want is my marriage back, and I am still 100% in love and emotionally attached.
You handled it fine, and yes, you should just drop the kids off and leave. You don't want to be her BFF while she's engaging in an affair, that's just letting her cake-eat. Plus like you said you are still attached, so you need that time and space as much as she does.
