Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

Thank you all.

I have no words to express how thankful I am for all of you and the support of this board. There are now just too many strikes against him. Affair/15 yrs of lies/EA/ghosting me and sending cruel messages to his friends while my mother was dying (about how the house was so peaceful since I wasn't there)/crocodile tears ++/The confession/the hug/the "apology".....he won't be happy, but this is "not my chickens, not my eggs". He's made his bed. Essentially at any point along this journey he could have manned up and we would have dealt with it. It's not like I didn't suggest counselling more than once, and was turned down. No emotional work whatsoever. We could have had a terrific fun and fulfilling retirement-and I still will-it's just a little further out now.

He's coming up to farmsit while I'm gone. Last time we spoke he said "we'd talk after I got back from Halifax". Well, today's conversation will be short and sweet.

"there's no need to talk after Halifax. While you continue to lie to me and scour the internet dating sites, we are simply business partners. When I get back, I will see you for the mortgage signing on the 27th. We will sign the separation agreement at that time as well."

And then I will leave to carry on packing. If he decides not to stay, he can figure out what to do with the dog. I have neighbours already lined up to do cats and horses. if need be. I honestly don't care what he does. I feel like now I'm observing a science experiment. I am still sad at the loss of hopes/dreams/ and apparently 15 years of my life. But I'm detached. The thought of him actually kind of repulses me now.

[bttrfly]

Barb I'm sorry to read all you're going through but I want to ask, do you think he's a sex addict?

[BarbH]

So, I phone him and I say "that talk we were going to have after Halifax? Don't bother, we will have it now. As long as you are internet trolling, we are a business relationship only. I can drop off the dog or you can come up in the morning". Tears, tears and more tears, "I want to come home, I just don't know how". I cry, he cries. He's unfriended (yes, I looked 2 days ago) the "WF". the apps-a friend told him to look there-as Job said "he was just checking it out".

I said "if you want to come home, I want you to, but here's the gameplan. Come home, we will talk. I don't want the old marriage. You lying for 15 years, when you could have manned up at any point so we could deal with it, and trying to figure it out in your head hasn't worked so well. You need counselling. You need help dealing with the original infidelity, the ongoing secrecy, the EA, the fear of death, your parent's deaths." He's always rejected that in the past. He didn't this time. This is his only, slim route home.

We are talking. he'll be home in an hour. He can stay while I'm gone. He must do IC. When his counsellor and he think he's ready, we will do MC. Transparency plan. I think he should stay at sister's for a while, we can date. This is the plan.

I do still love him, but I am not Plan B. I told him he needs to do the work. If he doesn't, we will stay separated.

It's not classic DB'ing, but I've sensed for a while he's trying to figure out how to come home.

[BarbH]

bttrfly-I guess we'll find out!

[BarbH]

Wow, am I all over the map! Nope, still not Plan B....will keep you all updated. I think conversation tonight, and me going 5000 km away is a good thing. Even if the power is still out in Halifax!

[job]

I think it is wise that you and your h date for a while before he returns home. He's got a lot of hard work ahead of him and he needs to earn your trust. He will have to be transparent in all that he does. When he does return home, it will have to be a new marriage and the old one tossed out the window. You both are now different people because of what you both have experience during this time of separation. He still has a long ways to go. He has to fix himself...you will need to allow him to make his own mistakes and learn how to fix them. You can't rescue him...he will need to be accountable for all of his actions.

Dig deeper for patience as he will have 18-24 months of learning to live in his own skin and feel comfortable being back at home.

You've given him plenty to think about and hopefully, he will get his act together and make an appointment for IC while you are away.

Now is the time for you to look forward to your trip and recharge your battery. Travel safely.

[CanBird]

Wow Barb! Safe travels. Enjoy your trip, eat well & be merry.

[bttrfly]

well done Barb. Enjoy your trip and listen to Job, always. xoxoxo

[BarbH]

Thanks again all. And Job...truly the voice of wisdom. I had the feeling he wanted to come back, and when I did expanded search on those sites....they were only 1 or 2 visits. The stars aligned. Apparently "someone" told him to check out the Facebook dating app...so he did in Sept 6. Sept 7 he s at our friends cabin when a huge thunderstorm rolled in. He says he became very worried about what I would do if something went wrong at the house. Then he says he said to himself "what the he'll am I doing?". Left the cabin late at night to head back to town. I saw that on the tracker ( which had been left in for my benefit). Then I called the next day basically saying "I can't cope with this so we are strictly business partners". Boom.

He seems exhausted. Talk again about house, retirement etc. I just said "there time enough to talk about the house". And " when you feel safe and secure enough in our new relationship, go ahead and retire. ". He knows now what his financial picture is vs our financial picture. I said "we 'd date a bit and then invited him in a date to the Downton Abbey movie when it comes out. (One of our fav series). He rather fiercely said "yes and we will be going as husband and wife!"

Lots and lots of work to do.
But now we seem to be pulling in the same harness.

But for now I'm in the air heading for Halifax where my friends still don't have power. Candles and wine i guess! Still going to have fun.

Good luck to everyone. May your road always rise up to meet you. I will keep posting.

[DejaVu6]

Great update Barb. Stay the course. Be patient and don’t rush anything. Hope your friends’ power comes back on soon. (((HUGS)))