Don’t worry about the past email. We all make mistakes; if we didn’t we wouldn’t know what not to do. You’ve learned from it. Consider it something you can 180 from and demonstrate just how far you’ve come and how well you are doing.
Besides H going on about it ALL the time really shows how much he is following the script, that this isn’t about you. There is a positive side to most things.
A little caution about expectations. You might be correct about OW pressuring him. You probably are. It’s the little subtle expectancies of what he will and won’t do that is going to get you, and maybe not even how you think it will.
Yes H might leave this week. So you are preparing yourself - sort of. This leads to two situations. First, if he does leave then expectation met, and all those other little feelings and fears tied to that expectation become more true, more real, in your mind, not in actuality. However, actualities matter little. It’s your perceptions that shape your reality. Keeping your expectations at zero will not give those other feelings/fears something to hold on to and feed off of. Remain accurate in both thought and heart.
Second, if he does not leave then expectation unmet. Resentment builds, doubts, worry, stress, and so on. I thought he would leave, he is not making any progress, what am I doing wrong, etc... Keeping your expectations at zero will not give these feelings/fears something to hold on to and feed off of either.
Originally Posted by Kristy84
...once he goes he can at leastmight learn some consequences.
“Can at least” - This is an expectation.
Desires are wishes, hopes, and expectations. I will illustrate with positive desires or outcomes, there are lots of negative expectations as well which usually come about from unmet expectations. Of course there is despair, hopelessness, and such; however that not where you’re headed so let’s look forward.
Wishes are fantasy and not highly probably, even impossibilities reside within the realm of wishes.
Hopes are desires for an outcome and usually reasonable in possibility and better in probability than wishes.
Expectations are desires, hopes, are possible and probably, and have a timeframe. A deadline. This is a big trap. Placing a deadline on desires, on hope, will do just that - give it an expiration date. Kills it, once the deadline passes. This is the slow death of hope, something not readily seen as more and more expectations go unmet.
To keep hope alive - remove the element of time. Realize that time is a companion along this journey and hopes will or won’t be realized as they will - in their own time.
“Can at least” is hopeful, which is very good. You realize the possibility of H learning and growing.
The way you said this, and probably unknowingly looking at it: You expect H to grow once he leaves, and in a reasonable timeframe. He may or may not. You probably don’t think H will grow while at home. Both are reasonable possibilities. The latter slowly growing a resentment inside you, as you wait for him to leave so he can start to learn, start those consequences.
It is possible H will gain insights remaining at home as well. Have hope. Be careful not to extinguish the weakening flame.
Please do not look upon this as an admonishment, you are doing well. I started out to just say a little piece on hope and expectations and kind of rambled on a bit, I do have a passion regarding possibilities and hope. I looked at what I type, thought about what to backspace over, and figured what the heck - I’m talking to friend and she and I are discussing a pretty interesting topic. I hope you feel the same.
If H were to leave, you are correct, that awful atmosphere surrounding him would dissipate from within your home. It would follow him. You are a wise gal, seeing how H needs to have space and time to figure himself out.
By the way, I do remember and realize you and H are not married. I did refer to him as H and not partner. I am looking at him as the role in your relationship, not his legal title. If this offends or you prefer different please let me know. I suppose he legally is a common law husband at any rate.
Hoping you have a wonderful Sunday.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You’ve learned from it. Consider it something you can 180 from and demonstrate just how far you’ve come and how well you are doing.