4 months in....(Re: Advice needed)

[DnJ]

Good Morning Kristy

Congratulations on the promotion! And on how well you’re doing with this situation.

I am glad you are pleased with the promotion. Someday, you will also be super happy at how you’ve handled yourself during this time with H. You are on a good path, keep on it.

A bit of encouragement and pointing out the obvious, which, as I recall, was not very obvious when I was where you are.

Then yesterday he actually came out with “it’s making me really sad that you aren’t crying about me leaving or fighting for me to stay. Why are you happy when I’m about to leave our 14 year relationship” I did not know what to say to this as it took me by surprise.

I just listened and validated but he hates that and wants me to tell him how I feel.

Trap alert! Landmine ahead!

Good job avoiding this pitfall.

H is trying to pull you in. Stay the course, do not fall for it.

Feelings can and will change.

If you tell H how you feel, he will use it (no matter what you tell him) against you. He will further justify his actions, his behaviour, his running. He is already changing history and saying how miserable he was, blah blah blah. He is just lashing out, in emotional turmoil - keep the focus on you.

The other problem with expressing your feelings - they will change. For example, if you were expressing how you feel. Just letting it out, saying whatever you feel, freely. Let’s say you are mad at him at the moment and say that. Well tomorrow (probably sooner) you’d calm down and wouldn't be mad, of course the words have been said - and MLCers have a really good memory within that Swiss cheese mind for stuff like that. And definitely don’t want to put it in writing, like a letter. H could pour over that nonstop and pick it apart.

Best to do what you’re doing. Listening and validating.

Feelings flit, and thoughts get influenced - find, alter, and strengthen your beliefs and follow those.

You’ll be happy you did, no matter what the outcome.

DnJ