I do understand your frustration and reclaiming your life. Barb, we are all fixers and believe in following through on what we say that we will do. Patience becomes a challenge for us because we can see what needs to be done and yes, they need to see someone about their issues. We can make rational decisions, but they generally can't because they are operating on emotion. You cannot rationalize w/someone who isn't rational. Emotionally charged individuals will not "hear" you. They tend to react rather than think things through.
MLC is not easy to deal w/especially if this is a flare up from the first go round. We all go through life transitions, i.e., early teens, 20, 30, etc., and if the transitions are not completed, then the "major" mlc takes place. It could very well be that your h was experiencing a life transition 15 years ago and he didn't complete it and now the "major" mlc is taking place.
When communicating w/him, you want to keep your conversations and lists short and sweet. Too much info will go right over his head. He won't be able to retain much of it because of the issues going on in his brain. He may be suffering from brain fog, i.e., exhibiting confusion, difficulty concentrating and retaining info, loss of interest, loses time and can't keep his appointments, etc. All symptoms of depression. I'm not making excuses for him because I've been down this road many years ago and can tell you that you need to keep things short and to the point otherwise it will go in one ear and out the other and he will only focus on a few words and the rest he will tune out.
Just a suggestion, try to phrase your "boundaries" in a way that you don't sound like his mother. You do not want to sound like you are telling him how he should behave. You do not want him to look at you as his mother, i.e., nagging him about things. They become very resentful of authority figures and may view your "boundaries" as trying to control him by telling him how he should behave, etc.
We advise posters to keep their expectations at zero because the person you knew and loved is gone for a while. They become the exact opposite of that pre-crisis person. They act out and like teenagers and depression takes over and they can only think of themselves. They become self centered and selfish. Many sit around staring at the walls in the evenings and time slows way down for them and they don't realize how much time has passed. They say that they will do things and then don't, they forget appointments and errands. Many forget to pay their bills. Yes, it's frustrating and there is nothing we can do about it because it is their journey and they have to be the ones to decide to get help. Many do not think that there is anything wrong w/them.
Again, I am not making excuses for his behavior, however, expectations need to remain as close to zero as possible because if he doesn't live up to what you "expect" of him, you will become angry, resentful and frustrated. His journey is his own to take. It takes the patient of a saint when dealing w/someone in mlc.
Your journey is to rediscover you, the person you were before you married. This is your time to do the things that you want to do and who knows...you may realize that you lost a part of yourself in the marriage and now can reclaim that part and enjoy the new you.
Please try to enjoy your trip and leave the mlc at home as much as possible. I know it's going to be difficult to do so, but you need this break to help you recharge your battery.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
