Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

Thank you peacetoday, I'm glad you understand. I simply cannot take any more of the push and pull. Even though when he came up he was pleasant, and talked "as if" we had a future (garden, rethinking selling house in spring etc). After our last hug a week ago, when I was leaving i said "are we on hugging terms or not?" The answer was "No, not right now". I think these are check-ins. He says he "has things to do" but comes up, picks up nothing, does nothing. And yesterday I left before him, and I noticed (via tracker) he left about an hour later.

I am seriously already exhausted by this, particularly at the thought that possibly his MLC was 15 years ago, and we've essentially been playing it out ever since. As everyone has so thoughtfully pointed out-if it's not resolved or worked through when it happens, it reappears later-and I think here we are.

So yes, while I am waiting-I am regaining my perspective on myself and my life. Off to Halifax Monday (if hurricane Dorian co-operates!) for the week, H will be staying here and has made "promises" about roughing in plumbing, cleaning shop and horse pens (funny, these were the issues he said he was tired of doing). I will see, I am not holding my breath.

He's coming up tomorrow prior to me leaving in the wee hours of Monday. I plan on setting three boundaries with him:

1. H, when you say you will do something, like telling me you will text before coming up here, or that you will transfer me bill money on Friday, and you don't follow through, it makes me think that you are not reliable. I would appreciate you following through on your statements, or not making them at all. ( I know I can't enforce this one, other then letting him know how I feel. And as my therapist and I both think he's thinking about coming back, this may have some impact, however I will continue to believe nothing).


2. Regarding the bills-I text you every Wednesday before your payday, and I pay the bills on Friday. Your commitment was to transfer me the payment on payday Friday. I will no longer be reminding you to transfer me the funds. As we agreed, I will continue to send you the bills on Wednesday, so you have time to set up the transfer on your payday. You can set up a post dated transfer on the bank's website. If you do not transfer me the money, I am keeping an account and this will be settled either with the refinance or when the house is sold.

3.When I do communicate with you by text or email, or when I do something for you like having your tire fixed and picking it up (at your request) I would appreciate the simple good manners of acknowledging and/or thanking. (Again, I can't enforce this, but my volume and communication will be dropping significantly-full on business mode now, no more favours, no more conversation).

I need to regain control of my life. I don't care if he feels pressure or not. This is about me, not him. There are more boundaries to come.

He stills says "we will talk when you are back", well, yes, yes we will.

"H., I appreciate you still say you are confused. This is actually confusing me as well. I appreciate that this has been difficult for you, and although I had offered to help, this is not my work to do. I appreciate your honesty regarding your infidelity, and as someone who cares about you, you need to think about talking to someone to help you sort out your confusion".
(This will be a non-negiotiable at some point if he actually wants to reconcile, and I think he knows it as his sister said the other day 'he won't do counselling". Well, that's on him too).

How's my GAL you ask? Dinner and music jam at friend's tonight. Halifax for a week on Monday, Signed up to start Tai chi on the 17th (and have a couple of friends coming with me!) Diligently reading my book for book club. Oh and I went for lunch with sister-some guy at the next table kept catching my eye and smiling...that was nice!

Onwards.