Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

No Grace, I didn't have an expectation-other than that of essential manners. He was here when I left and asked me to take it in for him. I did as I was going there anyway. Picked them both up and brought them home. Someone does something for you, particularly when you've asked, you say thanks. That's it.

Honestly guys, the more I think about this the angrier and sadder I get. I am a good person, even if I say so myself-I'm smart, good job, hardworking, outdoorsy, friendly, and not at all bad looking for a 58 yr old! (and I'm a great cook).

I can forgive the affair itself. I don't think I can forgive the 15 years of lies. They weren't even 15 years of treating me like a princess to make up for the fact that he got away with an affair-the last few years were more I was the chief cook/bottlewasher/banker/wager earner/toy buyer., while recovering from cancer and dealing with my mother with dementia. No flowers, no acknowledgement. Then he had the almost affair. And now he's "confused". I think he is trying to find a way back. Well, he got himself into this. Why do I want to stay with a cheat and a liar?

I don't care that he's talking about maybe not selling the house next year, or getting me firewood, or fixing the 4x4 for me to use over the winter. I can buy my own 4x4, I can arrange my own firewood. If he's making future plans that he thinks includes me-well....no.

I am no longer confused. I think I've achieved detachment. Why on earth am I having angst over someone who can't be bothered. I mourn for what we might have had, but lost. And what we could have, but won't. Yes, it will be hard, but I will be fine.

Our house refi is signed on the 27th. All consumer debt paid at that point. I can swing all the payments if he backs out, and I can prep the house and property for sale. He can leave. I will be sure to get him to sign the separation agreement and then we will be having a very difficult conversation.

I really no longer care that he's having a crisis, or if he's just behaving like a jerk. Honestly, he's been a jerk for much of the last 15 years. He can either man up-admit he wants to come back, abjectly apologize-and start individual counselling, or not, it's up to him. He's 60, it's time to grow up. I will no longer be playing along. I will be drawing my line in the sand. I will be filing for divorce at the 1 year mark when I can file uncontested, unless things dramatically change. He really doesn't deserve me.

thank you all for your support. Things are becoming much, much clearer. Why am I standing for this? Part of me will always love him, but the other part of me, loves me more.