Going into a hard evening over here. Soon I’ll put D4 to bed and be alone with my emotions. Today I had fleeting moments of feeling that I’ll be fine no matter what happens. But the sadness and despair and anxiety is creeping in. I believe what everyone here says, I know I need to let go of H and my marriage because he, and it, are gone. I want to feel strong and I want to feel like I genuinely don’t want someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know why I STILL can’t seem to get there. I suppose it may be, in part, because I keep marching on to small shifts that give me hope. I manage to observe and keep my expectations low for a bit, and then I lose control over it and I start reading into every little thing. Why is this so hard for me? It feels like I’m prolonging my own pain, every time I get my hopes up and think “no WAY would he be doing XYZ” if he wasn’t doubting the decision to D. And every time, according to his words, I’m completely wrong. I have got to get a handle on detachment. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.
