Hope - Don't be too hard on yourself. When I make mistakes, I try to pivot *away* from the MR impact, and *towards* understanding that I still have work to do on detaching to be a healthier, happier person. Mistakes happen, nobody can be perfect.
In other words, think of DB less as a MR-fixing strategy, and more as a you-fixing strategy. The MR may or may not work itself out as a result.
Thanks unchien. Yeah, that’s what I’m attempting to do—focus on the self improvement part, which I am in fact proud of in this instance. I need to do some serious detachment work. I need to try meditation and I need to get back in to see my IC. I’ve been very nervous about money lately (I’m actively job hunting, after being a SAHM for the past 4 years) so I’ve skipped IC all summer because it’s so expensive and not covered by my insurance. I need to figure out a way to make that work as I’m in need of some substantial guidance.
Going into a hard evening over here. Soon I’ll put D4 to bed and be alone with my emotions. Today I had fleeting moments of feeling that I’ll be fine no matter what happens. But the sadness and despair and anxiety is creeping in. I believe what everyone here says, I know I need to let go of H and my marriage because he, and it, are gone. I want to feel strong and I want to feel like I genuinely don’t want someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know why I STILL can’t seem to get there. I suppose it may be, in part, because I keep marching on to small shifts that give me hope. I manage to observe and keep my expectations low for a bit, and then I lose control over it and I start reading into every little thing. Why is this so hard for me? It feels like I’m prolonging my own pain, every time I get my hopes up and think “no WAY would he be doing XYZ” if he wasn’t doubting the decision to D. And every time, according to his words, I’m completely wrong. I have got to get a handle on detachment. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.
(((HOPE))) It gets better with time Hope... it really does. Unfortunately there is no way past the pain except to go through it. Six months in I was still really struggling. Your brain makes a shift at some point...you are starting to have moments of it. That’s how it started with me. At first, it was complete devastation and unbelievable psychological pain. Over time, I started to have moments of feeling okay and having hope I would be okay no matter what. Those moments turned into hours and later on, into days.
Will I ever be TOTALLY over it? Probably not. It is a betrayal and hurt that I almost cannot comprehend as I am not capable of it. But I am okay. I have surrounded myself with better people than him and I am better for it. I know I am. I am happy and living a good life. You will get there too. I promise. (((HUGS)))
Over time, I started to have moments of feeling okay and having hope I would be okay no matter what. Those moments turned into hours and later on, into days. ))
This gives me hope! It’s super relatable and it makes me feel like the fleeting moments I’m having are the beginning of a material change. Thank you!
I realized my biggest mistake the other night when taking to H was that I reacted (however calmly) to his bringing up D stuff. I think I should have just cordially agreed to take the steps he was suggesting? Does that sound right?
I’m preparing to attempt a better approach for the next tine this comes up, which is likely to be soon. Because of the other nights blunder, I can now rest assured he knows where I stand, I don’t need to tell him again. (As if he didn’t already HA!) My hurdles/focus from here on out will be detachment/pulling WAY back, and just agreeing to go along worst steps toward D (unless you guys tell me that’s not quite right...)
So H was out of town this weekend and usually sees D4 on Saturdays. Before he left he asked if it might be ok for him to see her on Sunday (today). I told him that since he didn’t know what time he’d be back, he could text when he was back and if D4 and I were around he could see her. He texted this morning and we made a plan for him to meet us at 2. He met us where we were out having lunch and playing. I tried to go in with zero expectations, but still felt the sting of handing her over in the middle of a lovely Sunday afternoon. If I’m completely honest, which I may as well be here as I am in therapy, I did have a small bit of hope that it might turn into a bit of family time. But then I remember that I’m not supposed to be engaging in family tome at all!!! Pull back!!! What is wrong with me?? Anyway, I wasn’t as perfectly breezy as I could have been, but I tried to be cordial and just kiss D4 goodbye and get out of there. He seemed like he felt bad or maybe just awkward.
I allowed this to happen because I do feel in my gut that the more flexible about these things I can be with H, the less custody he will try to fight me for. That’s the kind of person he is generally. Should I not have allowed this? I wonder if it’s too nice/too flexible on my end. I couldn’t think of a way to say no without it seeming very petty. I suppose maybe “we’re actually busy today, how about tomorrow” would have been the right response. Thoughts?
Ps I’m home now and plan to get my house clean and in order for the week, then meditate on being cordial and unbothered when he brings D4 home. Ugh I am so bad at this.
Hey Hope, I have read through all of your threads. I empathise with your situation so much. Our H sound very similar. Is he still dating the OW you mentioned?
I know, our sitches and Hs have a lot of similarities. I have no idea if he’s still dating her. I just assume he is, because it seems safer to err on the side of caution on that one. As of a few months ago, he told me that they were dating very casually, that it was basically all physical and that they saw each other “only” once or twice a week. That has been his story all along, but of course I have no idea how much is true or what is left out. Pretty awful.
Ok I’m prepping for H to drop off D4 (he’ll stay to put her to bed). -I am meditating with some letting go, “I can’t control the outcome” mantras. -I’m taking supplements for anxiety (just started using L-Theanine on the advice of a friend who works in mental health and it’s been amazing) -I am going for cheerfully cordial but distant.
Here’s where I need advice. If H brings up D stuff, is my response at this point just “ok let’s do it”???
