Deciding When To Move On

[SteveLW]

Thanks Steve! That makes perfect sense.

I thought by saying that, I wasn’t trying to end what could’ve been an argument. What could I have said to listen and validate better?

I just searched for self differentiation. I feel like I’m understanding loving detachment more.

Communicating about our marriage in MC is all I can do at this point. While I want to work on our marriage, I’m just tired of fighting for it.

Thank you Steve! I definitely needed the 2x4’s.

I wanted to explain a couple of things more.

She served me papers back in May, so we are in the divorce process. I wasn’t trying to get empathy, I really just wanted to understand why she felt that shaking hands was weird to her so I could learn from that situation. I was listening and validating her mother. I didn’t react negatively to anything she said or did. I responded with I’m sorry you feel that way or you have every right to feel that way. She just got more upset and then stormed off.

As far as detaching, I’m obviously not there yet. But how do I totally detach and go dark when we’re supposed to be working on communication? Are you saying that I need to give her what she is giving me with her communication?

Even though I like to believe I’m a pro at this because of how long we’ve been doing it, I know I’m really not and we haven’t been doing it a long time I guess.

Saying "This isn't the time and place to get angry" is not listening and validating. And even if validation makes your MiL angry, likely anything would at that point!

Detachment is a state of understanding that YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment and happiness. You claim to be knocking GAL out of the park but if you are struggling with that then I would question if that is true.

Communicate in MC. Outside of MC stick to logistics and listening and validating.

Detachment is not the same as going dark. Going dark is not what I am advocating. Going dark would be ending MC. Look up "self-differentiation". It is another way of saying loving detachment.

I am saying what I said above:
Communicate in MC. Outside of MC stick to logistics and listening and validating.

How about: "I hear what you are saying and I understand that you feel I have burned my bridges. For that I am very sorry."

Again, be conciliatory. Be apologetic. Be understanding. To a fault.