Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Hi CW

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.

There really is no end date. She lives in another room right now so there's no dropping off.

I'm in a holding pattern/pseudo friend zone until our son's adoption is finalized. We're waiting on the date. It'll be within the next 10 days. That is actually my #1 priority. Outside of my SIL & BIL no one knows about this. I'm keeping it this way because my sisters/nieces and the rest of her fam would be devastated and it would put a pawl over the entire celebration. We are still celebrating because we have fought so hard for him for the last 1.5 years and can at least keep him out of the foster system. It's a happy day all within the bubble of this horribleness.

Not talking about affairs at your desk or in front of your son is also very reasonable. I agree with her, though, only offering "after the kids are asleep" puts you 100% in control. You're controlling this. You want her to talk! Can you offer up any other times e.g. lunchtime or after dropping your son off so she has choices, too?

The time was only really for this specific case. However, it has been my go to time to talk. I brought this up to my therapist and she said the same thing. I should offer her a time but say "or when you're otherwise available. " or similar.

How about "Fine, I'll post it on the fridge" to validate she doesn't want to use tech?

We haven't talked about our sitch to the nanny yet. She probably knows or has noticed a new occupant in the spare bedroom but she has her own family issues and I don't want to pile our BS on to her yet. Probably after the adoption. So, until then, it'll have to stay electronic. How does iOS calendar sound???

Was that exchange an example of active listening OR of scoring a victory for your relationship?

Well... It was what my therapist recommended. The actual purpose was to point out that I was demonstrating something she had so much emphasis on in our M and that her expectations were so low that she missed the fact that I was trying to listen to her intently. I didn't want to say, "Look at me I'm changing!!" It was a victory in our relationship based on her reaction in that it made her think about what I was actually attempting. But! It was somewhat satisfying on the interpersonal side too.

Based on the DB methodology, I think I'm doing a few things right, a few things wrong and some things that are in between that I need to improve on. Two of the things that I really need to improve is paraphrasing and validating in a way that doesn't sound like I'm doing it out of a book. I'm not really parroting but it could definitely be smoother. My therapist comes up with these validations so smoothly it's HATEFUL!