You're going to have to prove the A is over and take more responsibility for the situation we find ourselves in before I agree to go to MC.
Makes sense. There is no marital relationship while she's in another's arms.
Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
She says that I'm doing everything on my terms, especially communicating.
I applaud you enforcing not being called names. The other partner often initially get upset they can't control you, and that's okay. When I began enforcing boundaries--I see now they're healthy even in a good relationship--my partner would say, "You're controlling when WE do X" and I'd reply, "YOU do X anytime you want. I'm controlling when I do X. You control you. I control me." I'm more sensitive to her boundaries, too.
Not talking about affairs at your desk or in front of your son is also very reasonable. I agree with her, though, only offering "after the kids are asleep" puts you 100% in control. You're controlling this. You want her to talk! Can you offer up any other times e.g. lunchtime or after dropping your son off so she has choices, too?
Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
I told her I would put it on a shared Google calendar. She said she didn't want to use any tech and she didn't want to use it. I said fine, but..
How about "Fine, I'll post it on the fridge" to validate she doesn't want to use tech?
I hate Google Calendar, too, Sorry, Google.
Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
she told me I wasn't learning to communicate because all I was doing was repeating back to her what she said and agreeing with her on everything. Duh... I told her that I WAS learning to communicate because what I was doing was trying to practice "Active Listening". She just looked at me with a stupid look on her face. (It was priceless. A small victory.) I told her that IC will improve me even if she doesn't benefit from it in the future.
Was that exchange an example of active listening OR of scoring a victory for your relationship?
Listening with empathy isn't easy. I often try to paraphrase (use different words) which makes me focus more on her message and tests that I really understood what I thought she was saying.
Bad active listening: Wife: "I hate it when you do things like that." Husband: "You hate it when I do things like that."
Good active listening: Wife: "I hate it when you do things like that." Husband: "It really frustrates you when I don't put the toilet seat down?"
In the above scenario: Her: "You aren't learning to communicate because all I'm doing is repeating back what I say!" Him: "You don't feel like I'm hearing you, because I parroted what you said." Her: "Yes!! Could you stop that?" Him: "I'll try!"
