Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Hello Everyone!

This post is me journaling but I'm ALWAYS open to comments on the conversations.

The last couple of days have been interesting. We had a talk day before yesterday which I initiated. I thought I would ask her about going to MC. I don't want to go because she's still in the A as previously stated but she brought it up the other day so I figured I'd ask what she wanted to get out of it and I could take her attitude temperature.

Her attitude sucked...

About MC, she said she wanted to improve our communication because we can't talk anymore. I'm DBing and detaching so she's interpreting that as me being rude. I'm really not. I'm being very cordial, validating like a madman and not saying anything when I'm unsure which way to go.

Her biggest deal is when I enforce a boundary. She says that I'm doing everything on my terms, especially communicating. (That's because I am. Mostly, enforcing boundaries.) An example would be that when she starts calling me names I disengage. In the last week she's called me a F-ing tool, A-hole and basically called me a liar about five times.

The other day I needed to ask her about a range date. (Not a date date, a calendar date) So I emailed her the Q. She called me immediately to ask why I emailed her instead of calling. (I used to email her regularly) I really didn't have an answer so I just said, "I don't know, I email you all the time." Then she started arguing about how often, why we can't communicate. Blah, blah, blah... I asked her before not to call me at work to talk about MR stuff so I said, I'd really rather not talk about this while I'm at work. She continued. I reminded her again. She continued, so I hung up.

Later when I was home she wanted to talk again but my S1.5 was out on the deck with us. So I said, "Can we talk about this after the kids go to bed?" (My boundary) She started spewing about me controlling when we talk. I said, "I just don't want to talk in front of the kids for any reason. It's not good for their health." She continued. I stood up and walked back into the house. She's interpreting all of this as controlling and doing things only on my terms.

I wanted to start scheduling the days of the week that we're responsible for taking care of the kids. I figure we'll definitely be co-parenting most of the time right now but it allows us the freedom to make appointments, GAL, etc. I told her I would put it on a shared Google calendar. She said she didn't want to use any tech and she didn't want to use it. I said fine, but just look at it and if you still think it's a bad idea, then so be it. The next day she looks at it and has a cow saying that I totally disregarded her wishes because she said she didn't want to do it.

Another thing we went over during the MC talk was if she would have a plan to gain my trust back. I opened that question with the fact that I'm 50% of the issue in our marriage and I own that but what she was willing to do to take ownership of what she did? The marriage was crappy according to her but what she did was potentially destroy it, endanger the adoption, hurt me and everyone in the family gravely.

She asked me if I thought of all that when I cheated. (In my past, not in this MR) I told her this wasn't about me. She then said that she'd already apologized numerous times, (Only twice) and that she wasn't going to live the next few months going over it again and again. She also said that she was proving she was sorry by "letting me" do all of these things that I've been doing and not reacting to the DBing but "that won't last forever." (She doesn't know what DBing is, she's only seeing and noticing the actions) "Letting me."??? Alrighty then...

Then, I said... "That really isn't going to work for me. You're going to have to prove the A is over and take more responsibility for the situation we find ourselves in before I agree to go to MC. Working on communication isn't my priority for MC right now."

I am working on communication in IC and she knows that. We had a conversation about communication where she told me I wasn't learning to communicate because all I was doing was repeating back to her what she said and agreeing with her on everything. Duh... I told her that I WAS learning to communicate because what I was doing was trying to practice "Active Listening" but I'm not that good at it yet. She just looked at me with a stupid look on her face. (It was priceless. A small victory.) I told her that IC will improve me even if she doesn't benefit from it in the future.

We also talked about her disrespecting me by calling me names and being snide all the time. She agreed that she shouldn't be doing that. Then...

I ended up having to cut off this conversation because she started trying to beat me up with the A is my fault because I didn't meet her needs etc. She started the spew so I told her I wasn't going to let disrespect me or let her beat me up anymore and I went out to the deck. She followed me out there, and started saying she was going to be selling everything and wanted to confirm that I wasn't going to do anything to help her and she was going to sell the BMW first. That one was a definite dig. The bimmer is my baby. She also brought up getting the D and all I had to do was give her the word. I went to my room.

Yesterday's IC went awesome. Told my therapist about the advice I got on the board about changing the perspective about having to go shoot at the range and how I needed to think about the level of anxiety from the W and OM's perspective, that they feel massive anxiety anticipating ME being on the range with THEM. (Which was TOTALLY AWESOME and helped me out with a total epiphany and all of my anxiety flowed out of me!) I relayed the email/phone call thing to her and she asked "Why do you think she called you immediately after she got the email?" BOOM!!! I didn't put it together but she sure did. In a nanosecond. She called not to give me hate and discontent about the email. It was about her anticipation of me seeing him and her on the range.

They both know my past is full of professional and military violent confrontations. They probably are thinking the absolute worst thing ever. Me being on the same firearms range they both are on. I'm a very mellow dude in real life but the W is only thinking in extremes right now. So they are probably scared. HA that's a total joke. That is a complete and total egotistical, self important mindset. To think they're important enough for me to trash the lives of my entire family by doing something that stupid. I might not need my wife but my kids sure do.

I thought about not writing that on the board but I figure I need to put my thoughts out there. I'm not dangerous to anybody or anything. Well, maybe not anything. I'm definitely dangerous to a steak. Any steak is definitely in peril...

So the latest is that for the last couple days, she's not wearing her wedding ring. I'm ignoring it. She knows it's very important to me so I know she's fishing for a confrontation. SORRY! Not happening... Maybe I can use that in the D hearing (If there is one) to get it into the property settlement.

Thanks for listening!!!