Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it!
She is the one who continues to initiate MC. She even pays for it. We haven’t been given any homework assignments to do yet, unless it’s to keep conversations about our son.
I don’t realize that I am putting pressure on her. I just want this to end! I’m assuming there really isn’t anything I can do to show her that I don’t want the old relationship with her, I want a new one. I really don’t want to put pressure on her and I am trying to give her space and time. I don’t think I’ve asked her to make up her mind or given her a timeline or anything like that. I’ve just asked her to agree to be open to working on it and let me do the heavy lifting. I can now see how that can be pressure just by typing it.
I will just leave her alone and give her even more space, but what does that look like? We already sit really talk except during webchat. She usually tries to talk to me. When she does, do I just say sweetly that this is my time with our son? Do I just get off the phone?
Originally Posted by job
I am surprised that she is attending MC w/you. Generally, they don't go or they go a couple of times and then tune out whatever is said or even doing the homework assignments that are provided during the session.
You may not realize it, but you are putting pressure on her to return to the relationship. She is not ready to do so and yes, there are going to be plenty of ups and downs for many, many months. Why? Because she is confused and really isn't sure she wants the old relationship w/you. Right now, to her, you are an authority figure (maybe like a parent).
You need to step back and give her plenty of space and time. Maybe it's time you visited the MC by yourself for a bit and talk out what is going on w/you and how to handle your situation. We recommend space and time here and not to put pressure on them. Six months isn't a long time for them to work through their issues. We have people all over the forums that have been detaching and being patient for many years and, in some cases, it has worked out.
Let me explain to what happened w/the hot and cold behavior. After the conversation you had w/her the other day, she warmed up just a bit and she began to feel those warm and fuzzy feelings again for you. However, later, she realized that she was getting close again w/you and that right now, in her mind, you are the enemy. All she knows is that she's not happy and that you and the relationship may be the reason she's not happy...so, back to being cold towards you.
Step back, give her space and time. You will need to treat her like a skittish colt and allow her to come to you and no more relationship discussions or discussions about divorce for now. Keep the focus on you and your family. Dig deeper for patience because it is going to take a lot of patience to get through this.
I suggest that you read Sandi2's 37 Rules #2. They are well written and to the point. Here's the link to her thread:
I would also suggest that you read the Detachment Thread to have a better understanding of what detachment looks like. That link was posted in the homework welcome thread of Cadet's. If you can't locate it, please let us know and we will be happy to provide that link to you as well.
