Deciding When To Move On

[SteveLW]

Previous Thread

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2856023#Post2856023

I wanted to give an update.

I felt that things had been going well, especially in MC. We had been getting along pretty good for awhile. Yesterday was great! We had a pretty could MC session, even though she said she still wasn’t sure if she wanted to work on our marriage. We’ve been separated for 6 months and I would think she would know by now.

Impatience will kill you! Stay patient. 6 months is nothing in the big scheme of things. Just remain patient. If you force her to choose likely she'll choose D. While you think that is better than limbo, once you are going through it that may change your mind. Be careful what you wish for.

In addition, on Monday at our sons doctors appointment we talked at her request. I told her that I was tired of being on the defensive and I felt she was in a negative loop that she just couldn’t get out of and that I was not her enemy. I just wanted to support her and agree with her so that she knew I wasn’t trying to argue. I told her I was fine if she wanted to divorce and I was fine if she wanted to work on the marriage. I told her at this point I was just really done with all of it. She got somewhat angry, but surprised.

". I told her that I was tired of being on the defensive and I felt she was in a negative loop that she just couldn’t get out of and that I was not her enemy."

Reread that statement. It sound confrontational and accusatory. What she likely heard was "YOU'VE (her) have put me(you) on the defensive! YOU ARE NEGATIVE. YOU have made me YOUR enemy!" Do you think that hurt or hindered your sitch?

Because of my feelings and our conversation, I told her that I felt that she wasn’t capable of having an adult conversation. To which she just put her head down and didn’t disagree with me. I decided that it was time to offer her my wedding ring back. It was weird because at that point I feel like she knew I was serious and tired of her nonsense, so she literally ran to her car as quickly as she could and took off. It was weird how she acted. I would’ve thought she wanted to take it.

Wow. You went from maybe confrontational and accusatory to full-blown confrontational and accusatory. Have you read the validation thread?!? You need to read it. Study it. Use it. IF she asks to talk like she did.....listen, and validate. That's it.

She was VERY nice to me the rest of Monday, Tuesday and yesterday. In fact, we had a great MC session yesterday. I told the doctor what I did and why I did it. He asked me what I felt I needed to do to earn her trust and respect back, so I asked my W. She told me Coparenting, consistency and doing what she asks. By the time the session was over I felt better. I don’t know how she felt about it, but I honestly didn’t care. The one question I have is that now the only advice the doctor gives us is to continue only talking about our son and leave the relationship talks in therapy. I don’t see how only talking about our relationship 4 hours a month really moves our marriage forward and fixes it.

SO an expert gives you advice...and you buck it because you don't feel it is right. Hrt, I could find a really good steak by sticking my head up a bull's butt.....or I could take the advice of a trusted butcher. I think I will opt for the latter. Talking about your R outside of therapy SETS YOUR MARRIAGE BACK!! Trust your MC.

Outside, we talked more. She prayed with me and I asked her what I needed to do girl get her heat back. She told me she wanted me to write her letters. She didn’t realize all the things I’ve done to work on myself and our marriage. It really affected her. As everyone knows her parents are a huge unhealthy part of our lives, so she wants me to write her parents apology letters. I highly doubt my lawyer will let me, though.

I think she felt that way too because yesterday evening we spoke for about 45 mins on webchat, but I only spoke to my son for about 5 mins. He didn’t want to talk last night anyway. She told me about her job, her day, etc. I listened, validated, congratulated and tried to make her feel the way I always made her feel.

This is what LH was talking about. You aren't DBing. AFter the 5 minute chat with your son, you should explain you are really busy and need to go. Getting sucked into these long talks so often are not helping.

Then today happened

Today was just a mess.

She was so sweet last night. She told me she wasn’t going anywhere, but would let me know if she did. I told her I would do the same, but didn’t because that wasn’t giving her space.

Our son started practice today, so this was the first time we’ve had to be together in public to work on coparenting. I felt it was awkward. As usual, she brought her mother. This was also the first time I’d seen her mother in months. I spoke to her mother and tried to be nice, but got yelled at a couple of times. I was also told that I would NEVER get back in her parents heart. I got the blame for everything again with her mother too. I took it because I’m trying to humble myself. I explained that this wasn’t the time or place to get angry at me. She agreed and walked off.

My wife was cold and distant with me the entire time. When practice was over, I took my son to her car where she was there. I told her it was nice to see her and I tried to shake her hand. She absolutely refused and walked off. When I asked her why she wouldn’t do that, she said because it was weird. I don’t know why that’s weird.

Are you in IC? I am detecting some serious empathy problems from you. WHo CARES if you think it is weird...she does. You need to try to see things through the eyes of the people you interact with. Their perception is their reality. Imagine if you had handled your MiL in an apologetic instead of confrontational way. Remember, validation works in all relationships, not just with your W. "I am sorry you feel that way, I can understand why you'd feel like that." Validation diffuses situations. That should be your goal in dealing with your W. Your MiL. If you have fiery people at work. Listen. Validate.

We texted for about 20 mins after, as I was trying to understand why she wasn’t so cold and distant with me. She just said because she was. I feel it ‘s all because she was around her parents and I don’t know how to overcome that issue.

I know that this isn’t DB well, but in MC we are supposed to be working on coparenting, trust, respect, communication, and empathy. Therapy is her idea and she always asks me to go with her. Now, she agrees it’s more than coparenting and only says coparenting when she wants to argue.

CORRECTION: This isn't DBing poorly....it isn't DBing at all!!

STOP ENGAGING WITH HER SO MUCH. Shaking her hand? Really? Texting for 20 minutes?? You should be NOT texting her. When she texts DO NOT FEEL YOU NEED TO RESPOND. IF it is informational, don't text back. If it is a question, answer it in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. You are pushing her further and further away.

One more thing, I spoke to my lawyer yesterday. He told me that she asked for an extension to the discovery documents I sent her. He said he agreed to the extension, but her lawyer said he needed to get my discovery documents out soon. I feel that’s another positive sign she doesn’t want our marriage to end, but I don’t know anymore.

Trying to assign intent to any of her words or actions is a fool's game, Hrt. Likely she doesn't even know what she wants....how could you possibly know what she wants?!?

When she wants to R you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused.

Im trying to stay positive. I’m GALing like a madman. I’m living my own life. I am trying my best to be so patient. I’m just to my breaking point.

Is 6 months a long time to be patient? Are these ups and downs normal? Why do they happen? When is enough enough?!?

Answers in order.

No.
Yes.
Because she has no idea what she wants right now.
When YOU say it is. However, when you decide enough is enough, you don't talk to her. You stop MC. You have her served with D papers. How do you know when enough is enough? When you can do what I just said you need to do.