Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 2

[DaB35]

Thanks for your reply crdcheck.

is this an "addiction" or just "typical" behavior? Does it interfere with your work, other parts of your life?

I never looked at work at all. It was generally when I was alone in the house, but it got to the stage when I'd look in secret even when W was around too. E.g. we would each be sitting on one of our sofas one evening. I'd have my iPad close by; initially I'd be innocently looking at things for the house like flooring etc., and showing her, or emailing or checking FB. Then I'd feel compelling to message one of the women. Just a message, simply to get the anticipation of the buzz of a response from them.

Usually whenever my W left for the gym, I'd always say "what time are you back?" Classic. I'd look then. Sometimes if she was away visiting family for a few days (if I couldn't get time off work), I'd spend hours looking online. I was getting tired of it, so I knew it was a problem. I didn't have the courage at the time to admit it to ANYBODY or seek help myself. I was too proud to get therapy. Now, my IC has pointed out, that so many people know, the shame of it has somewhat dissipated because I'm not keeping it secret anymore. That's a good thing.

I need to change for myself - I was relying on it too much as escapism from when I was feeling stressed or berating myself about things (NGS). I believe I will not relapse back to the extent I was using previously. I haven't looked in nearly 4 months. And you know what? I feel better, and don't wonder what I'm missing out on at all.

Re: house sale, I went the route of not obstructing but also not helping. I gravitated toward letting her run things, saying that this was her "project" and I would help when she asked (rather than demanded) and when I felt reasonable (e.g. would not compromise my work) but I would not drive.

Yes I am definitely leaning towards this. I have been very cooperative. I was asked to organise 2 estate agent visits which I did. I gave a 3rd one my W's number so she had to arrange a viewing with them herself. My W is now pushing ME to decide which agent to go with. I'm going to get all the fees and summarise them in a spreadsheet, and then send it to her, basically saying, "you choose, it's your decision to sell."

I have to wonder what else is your W thinking? Not that you know, not that you can ask, but boy, for a first offense to jump to D? Don't get me wrong, I understand the desire to make things right, but her response seems disproportionate to the offense, especially if you are seeking to right the "wrong".

I have no idea what she is thinking. She is being led by family and friends and work colleagues. I know that. She is a people pleaser and doesn't want to go against others' well meaning advice.

It is not the first offense. She caught me 'looking' on my phone twice in 2017. Found some pictures. That was it. I wasn't messaging any women back then. I promised that there was nothing further that she needed to know about. Yes I lied to her. But that's NGS - avoiding your own flaws. I didn't want her to find everything out. Her main drive for D is the length of time I kept it hidden from her (8 years), the fact that I had effectively 'maintained' an online presence on one of the websites (I had a profile that I updated regularly), and of course uploading a pic of SIL in a private chat.

Yes I am seeking to right the wrongs I've made. I am sad that she is just stubbornly pushing through. Doesn't even seem bothered. I am detaching and not reaching out. I am missing her but in all honesty, am not thinking about her 24/7 as I was when this whole thing exploded in May. My IC said that if she runs into issues because of her new choice of living arrangements (living with her brother and his W in their tiny 2 bed house - no way can she run her businesses from there - plus she's had to take on a load of extra teaching work she really doesn't want to do), that is HER problem now, not ours as a couple.