Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[Gerda]

Barb, I am not posting so much these days but sometimes I read your thread. I am sorry for what you are going through!

I am struck when I read your posts, and in general the posts of people new to this, by something I also thought in the beginning, that your sitch will be different in terms of how long it takes. I thought that about mine, and I am on year seven. Not that yours will go that long, but two months is not long enough for anyone. Thinking you should work it out now will only ensure that you get another crisis soon thereafter. If you just started posting here in July, your H is at the very beginning and that you should not think about anything he says or does at all. There is simply no way that he is going to be able to go through what he needs to go through this quickly if you want to actually have a real H back at some point. If you don't let him run through his whole crisis, he is not going to heal. NOTHING you say or do will change him. All you can do is be kind and open to him. But all your questions about why he doesn't want to try, what he believes about your marriage, what is his timeline, all of that is just pointless with MLC. Your sister-in-law has no idea because she thinks this is just about an affair or a decision. If he is really in MLC, you do not want to have any R talk or take anything he says seriously as far as your R for a year or two. If you love him, let him go down this long dark road so he can get through it.

One thing that helped me in the beginning was writing a list of all the expectations I had of H and our marriage under the heading "Expectations of H that I Surrender." I put it away and take it out maybe every six months. When I look at that list now, I can't believe how far I have come. You are still operating under the expectations you had when he was the real H. If he is in MLC, he is not that man right now. Don't try to get anything out of the guy he is right now. Distract yourself in any way you can, but let him go!