Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Rita]

Hallo, Job -- Thank you, as ever, for your very thoughtful reply. You always give me something to chew on and leave me with some questions. So --

First of all, it's funny how helpful it was just to hear you say he is monstering. It's so weird how as the LBS doing this for so long, sometimes I can't even remember that he is monstering, but remembering it helps with detachment, as does your perspective on what he will do as this plays out. I keep thinking it's all about the money for him, so my question is -- do you mean that even when he gets his money he will keep trying to torment me like this?! Oh my gosh! I was thinking that a condition of our settlement would be that he can't take me to court again.

Next -- I did meet with a bankruptcy attorney at one point and he said that would end with an order to sell my house to pay off the debt. I am on a path to refi, and if it doesn't work, I will have to sell anyway, so that's already the plan.

Now about the difference between standing for marriage and standing for abuse and manipulation -- this is the line I have trouble walking. I don't talk to him at all anymore except to answer about kids and once in a while to propose that we try to settle instead of wasting more time/money on lawyers. I didn't post his answer to my last attempt, but he said that everyone knows that everything I do and think is a mirage and that he is willing to go "all the way" to get justice. I just can't believe that a person this crazy is allowed to use the courts in this way.

But anyway my point is -- I really am back into PTSD about seeing his name in my inbox and I am wondering if there is a way to set a boundary because he just won't stop, no matter how many times I say to stop sending abusive e-mails. I told him that if he did it again, I would be sending them to a friend to read for me from now on but I have not wanted to ask my best friend to do that and the only other person I can think of who would do it for me is that same male friend I mentioned before and our relationship is pretty complicated anyway. I don't actually read them in full most of the time but even just seeing them there makes me feel so nervous and anxious and sad about how my life ended up. When I am working or otherwise occupied, I don't think about H's treatment of me in e-mail or anything else, but when I am not, my mind starts whirring and I wake up always in a state of anxiety these days. I think also because things are so hard with my kids, it's hard for me to imagine that my kids and I could ever feel truly peaceful and happy and not so lonely and like a family again, I mean for more than an hour here and there, and I mean even if H never wakes up.

I am really rambling but my question is if you think it would be okay if I started having a friend answer anything he sends me so that he sees that I am really not going to accept the e-mails anymore. I am pretty sure that he would stop if I did that, because a couple years ago when I enlisted my brother it really knocked H for a loop. I don't want to enlist my brother again because he is a whole other can of worms. For a while I thought I should just collect them in case we go to trial, but I think it's time for me to worry about my mental health over any trial benefit, and lord knows I have enough crazy and abusive e-mails from him to fill a whole box of evidence.