Hey everyone! I had some free time this afternoon between tasks so I'd thought I'd fill you all in on what is going on in my life and where I am at in regards to my journey of detachment, dating, parenting, and being a man only a fool would leave.
First off, I still have not filed for divorce yet. I have the forms filled out but will need to find someone to serve them to her. STBXWW knows the papers are coming so it's not like it is going to be a shock for her to get them. At this point, I'm just waiting to get my financial ducks in a row (details to follow shortly) before I get them served to her. I informed all of you that if there was someone to file it would be me. And that is in progress. I still feel heartache at having to do this. I know that it's been over a year since this whole mess between STBXWW and OM2 started and that serving her divorce papers would not change anything. Getting the divorce I want would finally serve as the formal end of our R.
The tears stemming from our failure of our M have not been observed for the better part of 4 months now. The horrible pain I was going through all of last year and the first part of this year have now dulled to an ache that flares up every now and then. My heart hurts during the flare up, but I close my eyes and tell myself that the journey that came of it is one of the best things to have happened to me. As awful as the experience was, I truly could not and would not be the man I am working on becoming had this sitch not occurred. I am still working on my NGS. Right now, I am working on getting the balls to turn my photography into a paying side gig. I won't go into details, but the NMMNG book tells me that the excuses I am making for the effort of my photography gig is classic nice guy behavior. I am making small steps, but I still have work to do.
I am dating someone! We have been seeing each other for two months now and so far, we are really enjoying each other's company. We see each other about twice a week. Sometimes I meet her for lunch, other times we see each other at one of our homes, where we engage in some pretty satisfying sex. She is my age (her birthday is one day after mine), and has three teenaged girls. I have not met them yet, nor has she met D5.5 though I think it will happen soon. I am excited to have D5.5 meet my girlfriend, but I remind myself that it has been only two months and that I need to take it slow. Let things happen and do not rush things. We chat briefly over text once or twice a day and sometimes have a phone call with each other about once per week. Compared to when STBXWW and I were dating, my GF and I are taking it much slower. Speaking of sex, the stuff I learned from here and the NMMNG book taught me to be more communicative and confident of what I want. I told her about the things I want to try with her upfront instead of trying to win "brownie points" in the hopes I can smooth my way into performing certain sexual acts. Early on, after I finished, I did have the habit of asking her if she finished. I stopped that when she told me that it's not a question that I need to ask everytime we finished. Whenever we engage in sex, we enjoy the moment we are sharing and avoid overthinking things. R2C, the book you recommended She Comes First has been a great resource. Applying the guidelines from that book has allowed me to embrace and enjoy the moment with her. Sex feels genuine and nothing feels forced, even if it feels like our session feels fast (sometimes 5 minutes but we both end up satisfied).
I lost my job a month ago. Fired for reasons I won't go into detail here, but it feels like it was more of a blessing in disguise. I was able to finally relax and take unemployment as a step back and process everything that has happened in my professional life as I was transitioning from my R with STBXWW to where I am now. I used the time to obviously look for jobs, but I also used it to learn job skills that will hopefully lead me to the true job of my dreams, whatever field that may be. I start a temp job next Monday that will use the skills I obtained in my job before this last one. I am looking forward to it, minus the fact that I have to get up at 430 . Other than that, it appears to be a good job. Where it leads, I don't know. I am going to follow my mantra of not looking too far ahead and work on optimizing my short-term experiences to set me up for success later on.
My R with D5.5 is good. She started Kindergarten and is loving it. We have our rough moments, but there are times that after our rough moments we bond. Currently I am only able to see her on weekends but I hope that as my job progresses I can carve out time where I can spend some weekday evenings with her.
My communication with STBXWW is 85% business. The other 15% comes from her end, where she asks me questions of how I'm doing ("great!"), what I am doing (to which I answer "none of your business unless it pertains to D5.5m or the tying the loose ends of our old finances"), and are you mad at me ("nope"). There are very few moments in which she opens up her heart to me (I do not provoke). One such example was a little over a month ago when I was talking to her about a conversation I had with my mom and how I was able to establish a boundary with my mom and not to discuss anything further since I have said my part and I am not doing to change my mind. STBXWW told me that it me standing up to my parents was something STBXWW wanted for a long time and that STBXWW was not to blame for my not standing up to them. I told her that I know and that I was sorry for blaming STBXWW for my inaction. She started to cry and told me how I have changed so much for the better and that it hurts because it was what she wanted in our time together. I told her that I know and that the man she is talking to me now was the man she wanted but was not able to get because of how I behaved. I told her that our separation needed to happen because without it I would not have embarked on this journey of rebuilding myself. I clarified to her that it was not her fault I got better in spite of her. I told her that once I realized that the security blanket of STBXWW not being there for me to excuses for my behavior was not there, I had to make a change. Finally, I told her that I will always love her. She replied and told me that of course, we will share a love like family. I told her that it's not that kind of love I was talking about. She asked me for clarification and I was not able to answer clearly. I just told her that for everything that I experienced with her, for showing me what love between two people is, is a feeling that will not go away. She cried for a good minute before D5.5 asked STBXWW why she was crying. I told her that it's ok and that mommy had a owie that hurt. I then ended the call by wishing them both good night.
I still love STBXWW. And deep (deep deep deep) down, I still hope for R someday. But I don't know if that will happen. I am not consumed by R as I once was. STBXWW is not a person who I am attracted to She is not the same person who I fell in love with.
Accepting that R with STBXX won't happen is ok. She has changed. I have changed. I have learned that there are people other than STBXWW. My girlfriend for example. She is a great person and I'm excited to see where things go between us.
I am genuinely, truly happy everyone. I would not be this person today had it not been for your love and support. I am sorry that it is taking longer for me to post, but I want to assure you that I am continuing to grow to the man I want to be.
. Other than that, it appears to be a good job. Where it leads, I don't know. I am going to follow my mantra of not looking too far ahead and work on optimizing my short-term experiences to set me up for success later on. 