#15 Back to a cautious piecing

[hoosjim]

I believe that if she knew about my last two, that attitude you suggest might be hers. But since the night I confronted, she has taken full ownership, and is willing to work to fix things.

Obviously opening up to her about yours now could be very difficult given her recent activities. That would be a very difficult choice to make and I certainly don't envy you. Maybe something to discuss with your IC, or privately with your MC.

FWIW, I found it difficult to "come clean" with my W about various things while she was obviously still wayward. At the very first, mind you, before i got me feet under me and started DB-ing, I was all "Im so sorry, I effed up our MR, what can I do?" etc etc... But that was, obviously, not at all helpful and i quickly wised up and stopped doing that. There were, however, things that i DID need to take ownership of like mishandling and hiding the family finances, as well as things that happened during her WW days (like my nights out and some of the monitoring) that, as I presume it is with your own EAs, I did not feel like it was helpful to be disclosing at that time. And my MC/IC backed me up on this. Later, though, when it became clear she had had her "turn" and was bought-in on repairing the MR, i did start sharing some of that with her, and it proved to be a good choice to have delayed-- it was less worrying/threatening to discuss my own missteps at that point having the confidence that we were reconciling. Not that i was "off the hook" mind you, but we were, I am convinced, able to address those issues in a much more constructive fashion without putting the MR at additional risk during the previous period when it was under much greater stress.

Keep up the good fight... praying hard for you and your W...