#15 Back to a cautious piecing

[Ready2Change]

I've had my own EAs.

We are all sinners. Repentance and forgiveness are the keys.

How can you use this to strengthen your bond with W?

My lady and I talked about this a long time ago:

I tell her to get dressed up sexy and go to location XYZ at 7p and wait for me.
I show up later than her, lets say 8p.
Most likely, some guy will be showing her interest when I get there.
I walk up and make out with her.

I have done this at least 3 time now.


Does it hurt or help my relationship? She gets to feel sexy. She gets to feel desired. She gets to feel protected. It is all about her feelings.

How to you improve the intimate bond with your W?

[AnotherStander]

Steve, does your W know about your EA's? If so, how were they addressed at the time? I'm just curious that if she knew about them, her attitude now is "well you did it so I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of me doing it".

[SteveLW]

I've had my own EAs.

We are all sinners. Repentance and forgiveness are the keys.

How can you use this to strengthen your bond with W?

My lady and I talked about this a long time ago:

I tell her to get dressed up sexy and go to location XYZ at 7p and wait for me.
I show up later than her, lets say 8p.
Most likely, some guy will be showing her interest when I get there.
I walk up and make out with her.

I have done this at least 3 time now.


Does it hurt or help my relationship? She gets to feel sexy. She gets to feel desired. She gets to feel protected. It is all about her feelings.

How to you improve the intimate bond with your W?

Thanks.

I feel really guilty right now. Ashamed. And as I said I do not feel like I can take a firm stand against this, as firm as some of you here are advocating, because I have the whole "he without sin cast the first stone" thought process.

I do think I will pick up a book on emotional cheating. I usually dive into a subject when I find myself up against a wall.

[SteveLW]

Steve, does your W know about your EA's? If so, how were they addressed at the time? I'm just curious that if she knew about them, her attitude now is "well you did it so I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of me doing it".

AS, always feel honored to get your input. In fact, I was going to take a break from the forum, then saw you had responded. My W does know about the first 2. Not the last 2. At the time, after her very deep, and strongly connected EA in 2005, I came clean about the first two. We recommitted to each other and moved forward. Admittedly, I think she did more work in 2005 than I did. Yes, I know that hers was the situation that prompted the issues, but I didn't DB the way I could of. I didn't 180, GAL, nor find a healthy self-differentiation like I should have. Like a lot of immature husbands I felt that there was no in-between. Either I was doting, overly attached....or I was detached. I now understand the nuance of being lovingly detached in a healthy way, and still being being plugged into the MR and upholding my end.

I believe that if she knew about my last two, that attitude you suggest might be hers. But since the night I confronted, she has taken full ownership, and is willing to work to fix things.

[LH19]

S,

I understand your need to take a break. It sounds like with both of you committing multiple EAs that there is definitely something missing from each of you in your marriage. I wonder if religion and your daughter are the only things holding it together?

Take some time before making any permanent decisions.

[Ready2Change]

In fact, I was going to take a break from the forum,

The forum is emotionally draining, even when in just a support role. Helping others gives me a clearer idea on how to interact with my woman. There is a balance.

[SteveLW]

In fact, I was going to take a break from the forum,

The forum is emotionally draining, even when in just a support role. Helping others gives me a clearer idea on how to interact with my woman. There is a balance.

I think the other thing that is hard is to watch people change over time. My W is not the girl I married. I know that, yet my brain sometimes wants to go back to when she was. And think of her that way. Being a mom. Losing their identity. Menopause. Depression. AD medications. All have an effect and changes who they are. Her personality is much different than it was. Her capacity to empathy has changed.

We went on vacation with her mom and step-dad camping 2 years ago. Her mom and stepdad are extremely picky eaters. 70+ years old and act like toddlers if there is something they don't like on their plate. So we go to lunch, order sandwiches, and when the girl brings my step-FIL his sandwich there is a -GASP- dill pickle spear on his plate. He goes into meltdown mode about it being on his plate. My W looks at him across the table and says "OH GROW UP. So what, there is a pickle on your plate. Just don't eat it if you don't like it!" Her mom pipes up: "But if you don't like pickles then you don't want pickle juice on your plate." My W says: "Oh wahhhhhh. Whatever, be a grown adult and deal with it!"

10 years ago no WAY does she have this exchange.

So all of that is, I believe a result of the things I've mentioned above. It manifests in other ways to. She isn't nearly as affectionate as she used to be. She is a little more callous in the way she says things. Etc.

She still has a heart of gold, she really does. But to say she is more selfish than she was 10 or 20 years ago is an understatement.

[SteveLW]

There is an old saying.

Women marry a man hoping he will change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't.

[Traveler]

Steve, did your EAs 6-8 years ago involve ILUs and nude picture exchanges like your wife's? It seems to me an EA is more loosely defined than a PA, and all EAs while harmful are not equivalent.

[SteveLW]

Steve, did your EAs 6-8 years ago involve ILUs and nude picture exchanges like your wife's? It seems to me an EA is more loosely defined than a PA, and all EAs while harmful are not equivalent.

Yes.