The last straw

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I find it tough to be here but like others, I am at the last stages of M. Been M for 32 yrs and with for 37yrs. Hard to explain all that has led to this other than trust issues. 15 yrs ago W told me she couldnt go on with me. She stated she was confused and gave the ILYBNWY. This came as a complete shock to me. We had just bought a farm and became friends with the prior owner. I found out just before settlement he was going thru a D which is why it was for sale. The sale was outside of a normal purchase as it was being auctioned. Reason I bring this up is it created a lot of correspondence with him vs thru an agent. My W became very fond of him and his son who was close to the same age as D2. I didn't think much of it but found he and W were spending time together during the day when everyone was at work or school. She just admitted to an EA with him this August due to her IC stating she should come clean. She denied this at the time and we both went to IC and MC. I spent 1 1/2 yrs in IC and we went to MC for a couple of months to work out what i thought were the issues. She said I didnt treat her right and she was much apposed to adult films we would watch. Porn was a big part of her issue which she never shared with me before . We ended this practice as a couple.

Intimacy was sparse and I eventually would seek relief from the internet. She found some correspondence with other women which was just that. There were other times she accused me having a relationship with a co worker and an email which was questionable. The co worker and I traveled out of state for a few days at a time and another co worker felt it important to call my W and spread a rumor of us drinking wine on a bed together. The rumor passed through 3 parties prior to getting to my W. The email which was 3 yrs ago was a contact I was receiving business information and had a bit of a questionable tone to it. I explained why it was written but she apparently never accepted this. After this email had been found by her, all intimacy stopped. Its been a very rocky 3 yrs with me begging for us to work on these issues. I pleaded for us to go to MC. She wouldn't agree stating it didn't work the first time when we attended 15 yrs ago.

Our Ds were living at home but D1 found a house where she can take her horses. Looked as if D1 and horses were going to leave this spring. I felt W was protecting D1 and her hobby but thought she was looking to leave the M after this took place. I pretty much begged her to see a MC and she agreed on Valentines day to do so and would call to set an appt. I waited until the end of March to ask where she was in setting an appt. Sh said she is too busy to set an appt. let it go until the end of April and got same answer. told her I can call to set an appt. All along we are getting closer to D1 moving her horses in July if all goes well. I set an appt for the middle of May, We went to the meeting and within 15 minutes she made it clear she wanted a D and has talked to a L. I was devastated although reality was pointing in that direction.

Left the MC and headed home later that eve. We had a chance to speak that night and I told her this was not what I was expecting at all. She said we haven't been married for 3 yrs. I pleaded my case on why we needed to work on the M and not throw it away, she seemed to have a change in action. Still nice and showing some attention to me. A month went by and she was warming up to me but still not interested in going back to MC. All this time she is GALing and losing weight. Looking really good but still no time for me. Then I made a big mistake. She found pictures on my phone. It was of her as I havent seen her naked for 3 yrs, I took pics unbeknownst to her and i invaded her privacy. She blew up and said thats it, Im out and want a D. This was the first of August.

I know I had done wrong. No excuses for my actions. Although it wasnt of another woman, or an affair or any other action which would have caused the same outcome, it was just as bad. I have asked for forgiveness and have on a couple occasions pleaded my case but at this time, I have stopped doing so, understanding that this action does no good. I am now at the mercy of what she wants as to moving forward.

D1 got engaged a few days prior to this happening and went away only to come back and ask to have her weddiing at the farm. Prior to her asking, we explain what happened, ( being transparent per W) and that we are going to D. THis went over horribly. Both Ds were present as well as fiance for this talk, Quite uncomfortable but i felt if W wanted me to tell them, then I would own up to my actions. Both Ds asked how we got to this part in the M and why we never seeked help. I told them I have asked and W wouldnt go. The Ds seemed to accept that the both of us had attributed to the demise and held no ill will towards me. In fact it has strengthened the relationship with D1 and opened up a better communication w D2 who is tough to deal with on a good day. I think W thought they would dis own me but that isn't the case up to now.

No paperwork has been filed by W yet. We had 3 conversations that should be noted. the first was 2 weeks ago, one last week. and another last night. Unfortunately, W is not much on conversations, in fact it becomes a monologue. She accuses me of verbal diarrhea and all I hear are crickets.

The first meaningful conversation started with if she would like to talk about anything in the past, present or future, she finally opened up a bit. the takeaway was" she didnt know where the D is"...no confirmation on if that meant paperwork or emotional status. " She doesn't feel love"....not sure if she meant from me or for me. "All i want her for is sex"....told her if that's all i am here for, I would have left a long time ago. "I have a wall around me that was starting to come down until the pic issue and now cant trust you ever again"....no answer to that one but heard it loud and clear. I did feel the conversation went better than expected as she did say some key points with no clarification. At least a starting point.

She was showing some softening through the week and when I asked her for a hug she said sure I can do that which felt good. Later that night she left for a few days away at the beach and gave me another hug. Seemed she may be thinking things over and there may be some hope (a dangerous feeling).

A conversation on the 3rd day away was a conversation I had when I called her to see how she was doing. My emotions were not in check and as she said, while she was sitting with her lady friends, I was Grilling her and Interrigating her on issues that were totally unacceptable. She eventually hung up on me after I told her she should just stay down there as long as she could. I would even bring her the laptop so she can work from there. This didnt need to be said but emotions got in the way and I was going to pay the price for my verbal diarrhea. I pretty much fell apart the rest of the evening and the next morning. I went to church and came back still in an emotional wreck...only to see her in the next 30 minutes in the driveway. I went up to her and hugged her and said " I am so glad to see you". This is 15 hrs after telling her to pretty much not come home. What a roller coaster.....for both. She kinda looked at me as if I was crazy, go figure, and then later said she can't live like this anymore.

We had another conversation last night which got interrupted by D2. Gist of it is she feels she cant ever get trust back enough to love me and cant see moving forward. She hasn't filled out paperwork due to me telling her I wasn't going to give the necessary docs to her. I dont recall ever telling her this. She said she had some of it filled out and when I asked for it, she said it was on her computer but didn't offer to get it for us to discuss. I was glad for that. After D2 left the room, we tried to pick up on the conversation again but was not going anywhere as she was too tired to talk. I have seen this all too often and knew it was heading to a "verbal diarrhea monologue" which I really wanted to avoid, My tone changes and volume elevates when trying to get a point across and knew it had started to head that way. We left it on a not so good note with no real time to pick it up again.

I am leaving for a couple of days which will be good for both of us especially by avoiding her having to do anything for my birthday. Soo..... there are other points I have left out which probably plays in on both sides but the most of my doings are out there. I still love her and want this to work for the future but I have found the lack of any affection, romance, and intimacy has been tough to go without. Why I still love her is beyond me but the fact is I do. One thing for sure is there will be a change, either with or without her is yet to be determined although she holds the cards and it doesnt look like the plans are not for me to be included in the future.

Suggestions are most welcome and my thanks for your time reading my sitch as well as your input.