Rooskers, wow you have really been through it! I don't know if you've read DR and other threads on the forum yet, but please do so. Also read all the links Job posted. It will help you understand. Your W isn't a run-of-the-mill WAS (walkaway spouse), she's a WW (wayward wife). WW's can be quite mean and vindictive as you've discovered. It is similar to going through a midlife crisis. She's blowing money on wild vacations, shirking her responsibilities, alienating her daughter, and heaping blame for every problem in her life both great and small on you. We've seen it here over and over again. First, it's HER not YOU. Second, what you've been doing so far is actually textbook DB'ing and is the right approach- give her time and space, leave her alone, don't engage. You cannot do anything to help the situation right now and anything you try will just make her more angry. So the best action is no action. Leave her be and focus on you and D.
Regarding D and XW, there's nothing you can do to fix their relationship. But try not to make it worse. As tempting as it may be, don't bad mouth your XW to D. Don't ask your D about XW either. Don't ask about OM, don't ask what XW is doing, what she's like, nothing. If D brings XW up to you then LISTEN and VALIDATE. Nothing more.
Believe it or not she will probably come out of this at some point in the future and be more like her old self. She may even want to reconcile. That may seem outrageously impossible to you but I've seen it happen. But she has to go on this journey alone, you can't help speed it up.
