"I just thought it would be a nice gesture. It was not deliberate. I can see how you would be affected by it though. I didn't intend to upset you."
Good. I would have left the last part off, when you are validating you don't want to tell someone what your "intent" was or wasn't because by doing so you are telling them they have misinterpreted, and that their feelings and their reaction are wrong. So keep that in mind in the future.
Originally Posted by Dan35
I get this response before leaving for work this morning:
"I get that it was a nice gesture and it would have taken a lot of work. I was just hard to watch. I am sorry I came across as harsh."
This is proof that validating works! I didn't apologise for the gift, but she said sorry for her reaction.
Great!
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This is the most frustrating thing. She KNOWS it's a lot to lose, yet she is prepared to chuck it all away, and i believe a big reason for this is her pride. I'm sure she doesn't want to go back on her word because she will have boasted to all her friends "well I've served him the papers now." and they'll have said, "You go girl! You show him!" She will fear looking weak to them. She is a people pleaser.
Could be. There was a WAS that used to post here that said her biggest fear in reconciling was that she had to go back to everyone and explain to them why the man whose name she had been dragging through the mud for the previous year wasn't so bad after all. She said it was almost enough to prevent her from reconciling (she did eventually recon with him). Stubborn pride can be a deal-killer. But at the end of the day there's nothing you can do about it. My attitude is that if she's too "proud" to reconcile then that's not someone you want to be with. If her pride is more important to her than you are then that should tell you something.
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I've read elsewhere that I need her to SEE that I'm going along with what she wants. I've not told her I've responded. I understand she'll get an email or letter about it anyway. I won't tell her unless she asks.
Good.
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What are everyone's thoughts on the house sale - should I assist when she asks?
Well house sales are very complicated matters and typically it can't be done without both parties participating. The DB'ing rule of thumb is don't take care of things yourself, but don't do anything to obstruct either. So let her do the "heavy lifting" but if she needs something from you then provide it.
