That makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I'm reflecting on this because it is a change for me. I wasn't authentic in my marriage. I went along with a lot of stuff I didn't like because I wanted to placate my H, or because I thought there was something wrong with me when I had preferences different from his - a view he encouraged.
We bumped into this again this week. H is concerned about Youngest's school work. I don't know exactly why - and I have asked - given that both of her teachers are very pleased with her progress and have said she's in the top of her class group. She does her homework and I get good reports on her work and behaviour at school. I've seen both of her teachers once or twice in the last six months and do homework with her daily. H isn't really involved in the day to day, hasn't met her teachers and doesn't do homework with her. Despite this he's convinced he knows better and she's behind. Based on what I do not know.
I'm pretty annoyed he's raised this with her and damaged her confidence. In the past I would have stayed silent, agreed with him to keep the peace, or felt upset and guilty because somehow it was my fault that she wasn't doing well enough at school. I noticed a change in myself in how I handled it.
I said, 'look, if you're concerned, you're welcome to speak to her teacher, but I am not concerned, I am in touch with her teachers who have told me she is doing really well and aren't worried about her work, and I don't think telling her that you don't think she's doing well enough is in her best interests at all. So I don't want to have this conversation with you again and I am asking that you don't tell Youngest you think she's doing badly because she isn't,' and I've held that boundary. Obviously I can't control how he speaks to Youngest, but I have made a clear request to him and I will have to leave it at that.
I'm a bit rattled by it and I can't figure out why. He has very exacting standards, but instead of taking action (like making an appointment with her teacher, or deciding to hire a tutor, or spending more time than he does (none) on doing her homework with her, he prefers to dump his complaints on me - and when I'm not available for that - on our child. I think that's hugely inappropriate. I don't want to over-react to this and I am okay with how I've handled it so far, but it is a very clear sign to me that at times he's still in that mindset of controlling, whining, complaining and dumping when he feels anxious about something rather than soothing himself and taking appropriate positive action. I also feel a bit anxious and triggered - remembering how bloody awful my life was when it was all about making sure he was happy and the kids were behaving exactly as he wanted them to. I'm never going to go back to that life. And I am not sure he really knows how to be happy unless his anxieties are soothed by the compliance of those around him. I hope for his sake he manages to resolve that some day, but today I am mainly grateful I don't have to be doing that any more.
