Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

Hi DV6-I've already told him I've forgiven the affair itself, and I've promised I won't throw it in his face. I'm having a great deal of difficulty reconciling myself with the last 15 years.

I feel I've been lied to for 15 years. And its not as if he said to himself "self, I really messed up and I don't want her to know so I am going to be the best husband possible". No. Our marriage was rocky (i would have said communication issues) and he wouldn't go to counselling or address it. So really, he had an affair, then lied to me for 15 years, then tried to leave with a vague "I need space" comment after attempting to have another affair.

I know he's feeling incredibly guilty. So when you say yours had a few days where he was going to try, but it was too much and looked too hard-I have the feeling this may be my situation too. He hasn't worked in our marriage in years, and I hate to think he's not man enough to do it now.

Then I try to balance it off with statements he's making lately like "I like spending time with you", and the "I love you" of the other day. And the fact that he voluntarily broke off his work affair before I found out. I am so confused.

so it's not so much the affair, although I do have questions about it of course, its the lying and lack of effort afterwards.

I'm really just venting here now, because my head is spinning.

I'm really having trouble deciding now if I want to reconcile. I will be talking to my therapist about that. I feel used.

So thank you all for allowing me to vent. For now, I haven't sent the email, and I won't. I have a DB coaching session booked tomorrow, and H is supposed to be here tomorrow as well (later). He has said we will talk when I am back. I wish I knew what he was going to say!

For now, i will vent here. I will enjoy my vacation. We will get the refinance done at the end of the month. We will talk when I get back (I guess). I will see my therapist. I will talk to DB coach. I will stand for now, but that is getting more and more tenuous.

Its a hard, hard day.