Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

Hi guys: I'm just getting angrier and angrier about our last 15 years of marriage! To recap: DB #2 June 14/19 "need to get my head together etc. ILYBINILWY" blah blah. 3 months of angst. I sense he's trying to figure out how to reconcile. Finally, 5 days ago he confesses he had a 6 month long PA 15 years ago. Kept it secret. Did not become a more loving, supportive husband, did not tell me about it. When I've suggested counselling in the past 15 years, knowing we were getting rocky, he refused (probably out of fear of revealing the PA. Jan-June (at least) this year attempts a flirtation, is infatuated with work friend. This has ended. Big conversation, confesses to PA 5 days ago. Has been sitting at home alone ever since. Wants to talk when I come back from Halifax vacation mid Sept.

I've been trying to db, doing my own IC, trying to figure out what is going on. I now feeling like saying this.



"Dear H:

I admit your confession of a PA 15 years ago was a bombshell, and as I have said I am able to forgive it, and I am glad you were finally honest about it as it has help me achieve some clarity. What I am having serious difficulty with is the subsequent ongoing 15 years of essentially lying. Had you confessed to the PA at the time, we would have dealt with it and moved on. Over the next 15 years, had you agreed to counselling the times I suggested it, we again could have dealt with our issues and hopefully be in a much stronger place now. Or, in lieu of that, had you attempted to become a more loving and supportive husband, we may also be in a much stronger place. However, we are now where we are-separated.

You have told me you have been attempting to "find a path back home" . I don't know if you still are, or not. I sense perhaps you are. I'm going to be bluntly honest here-the path back home is getting harder all the time. Here's three paths for you to ponder:

1. I can file immediately for divorce based on your admitted adultery of 15 years ago.

2. We remain separated for 1 year, as we are, and file a non contested divorce.

3. During that year should you decide you want to move forward with our relationship, which is hanging by a thread, you go to individual counselling to sort out your guilty emotions, why you cheated and why you were considering cheating again, and your difficulty expressing deep emotion and your feelings around death and dying. I need to see you owning your part in this. It will require a sincere apology and acknowledgement on your part, and ongoing marriage counselling for both of us. I am continuing with my individual counselling.

Amazingly, I am still willing to put in the work necessary to move forward in our relationship."



I haven't sent this. Don't know if I will. Or if I will wait until our next conversation and see what he has to say. It has helped to at least write this down. I am seeing my therapist on Friday-and will discuss this with her.

any feedback/advice?