I went off script yesterday and got into it over text with my W. As usual, when I have the kids for a few days, she inevitably finds something to get upset about.
Brief background: At the beginning of separation, my W asked that I send her regular updates (photos/texts) of the kids when they are with me. We also agreed this was a short-term deal, and she would let me know when she was more trusting and would back off. This happened in MC. She also bought S7 a phone watch with a GPS tracker, under the guise that it was for "both of us" but I saw through it. I didn't raise a fuss at the time because, well, I wasn't concerned anyhow.
One day last weekend I took the kids to see a mutual friend, and we didn't communicate with W for several hours. She let me know 2 days ago she was upset... first about not communicating for several hours, and second for not telling her we were going to see the mutual friend (implying we had some hidden agenda). She also implied I told S7 not to wear his watch, which apparently he told her was the case. Not sure why.
I texted something like, "Next time we will send updates more regularly. I'm sorry as this was part of our agreement. I never told S7 not to wear his watch, maybe there was some confusion. There was no hidden meaning about us going to see the mutual friend."
Last night she started up again.
I got triggered and decided to respond.
1. I told her she has seen mutual friends without telling me. And that I'm not arguing she set a precedent, but that I don't care if she sees friends without telling me. So it seems like she's not following her own rules.
2. I told her I would never have S7 not wear his watch, provided it is not disruptive. And it hasn't been.
3. I told her she was right I didn't communicate for several hours. She also could have pinged me and I would have responded.
4. I told her as part of our agreement, at some point, she agreed to back off and let me know she trusted me. It's been two months and I have zero feedback on this.
5. Finally, I said it was upsetting to find out S7 burned his hand last week at her house by talking to him the next day. But... that I also assume W has good intentions. And I prefer to assume she was trying to be a good parent, rather than get upset about it.
She responded "I'm not trying to make you upset." I said, "I need a break tonight, we can talk another time."
I know all of the above goes completely against validation advice. But I don't feel particularly bad about it. I feel like I needed to stand up and set some boundaries, including how far I will let her trample on me emotionally.
