#15 Back to a cautious piecing

[hoosjim]

Hey Steve, I think you are getting alot of good insight on here... Sandi's in particular, given her own WW experience with online gaming and EAs.

None of us here know you IRL or have seen your sitch up close in person, but some of the things others have posted on here resonate with me:

In particular, i think you should keep in your mind the possibility that she is, as someone else posted, merely "in a time out". My own WW went through a couple such periods where she would give up a burner phone or not go out with her gf's or otherwise "behave herself" for a spell... and, yes, she would even throw some contrite-sounding sound-bites out there, but she was always yearning to get back to her WW lifestyle as soon as she could. It was only when she was convinced that she HAD lost me (not just that she might) that things really started to turn for her. Not sure your W has yet ever gotten to that point-- you have been DB-ing like mad, and doing a great job of it but... and this is crucial... you have to remember that you can't "nice her back" or even, IMHO, "attract" her back by being AMOAFWL. She has to get to the spot on her own where she wants to come all the way back and put her waywardness behind her. Only the almighty knows for sure if she is currently at that point, but i think, as Sandi cautions, that there is reason to be wary in this case.

Also, if she IS at that point, i think it is going to be crucial for her to be in IC, and with a counselor that a) she is comfortable with and b) understands the addictive nature of EMAs and the dangers of relapsing. A couple folks above mentioned the importance of addressing trauma or other important dynamics and events of childhood, and they are absolutely right. In our initial early forays into MC and IC, my w (and even I, to a lesser extent) scoffed at the idea that talking about one's own childhood would have any utility in addressing problems in a MR. The funny thing is, once we got to the point... and particularly once SHE got to the point... where we were both bought in 100% to the counselling and trying to repair the MR, talking about her childhood traumas, issues, and hangups was one of the most important components to our reconciliation. The point of all this is, i guess, to say you should be very mindful of how you go about choosing your counselors. I was extremely blessed to have one just kind of "pop up" through a long-lost friend that i hadn't seen in probably 25 years... amazing coincidence... and she turned out to be just what we needed. At any rate, don't just pick someone at random, try to find out something about them, and don't just necessarily pick the most experienced or highly rated (ours was fairly young had just struck out on her own with her own practice-- Christian marriage counselor and sex therapist... didn't think there even was such a thing, lol). It goes without saying that any counselor you choose should be pro-marriage. If possible and both are amenable, it probably would help if your counselor is Christian, but i wouldn't get married to that idea, necessarily.. My own W, as it sounds as if yours does, has a bit of a conflicted relationship with her own faith, and she resisted at first the idea of faith-based counselling (which resulted in a couple of visits early on to someone we just picked at random with high ratings which turned out to be a disaster-- both because the counselor was just not a good fit with us and our situation, but also because my W just wasnt ready for counselling at that point-- which is something you yourself should evaluate and consider as a possibility in your sitch.)

At any rate, hang in there! Keep DB-ing! Im pulling for ya and sending some prayers your way.