I don't think I realised how much I've come on and grown until I re-read my last post and realised my intentions and hopes were really about myself, and not about having any particular effect on him. I want to be honest and have authentic relationships - perhaps one day with H. I also want to have good self protective boundaries and be selective about the people I trust.
I hope R2C adds this to his quote thread. So well stated.
It is hard to struggle with wanting authenticity and honesty at the same time you are experiencing a huge upheaval to your life that requires keeping people at arm's distance. It's also hard to change the dynamic of pre-existing relationships.
I like to think of authenticity as something that happens naturally when one lives completely in touch with one's values. It does not mean being open to all. When I think of it this way, it removes the pressure to "seek out" authenticity in relationships, and instead let it just happen naturally.
Whether or not that makes sense, your posts make it sound like you are on the right track.
