This weekend I had the kids. My W had a mini-rant over text that I did not update her for several hours what we were doing, and also that I didn't tell her we went to hang out with a mutual friend (and she instead found out by talking to my kids).
It really triggered me.
In the past month, she has twice hung out with mutual friends of ours, one of him was my best man at our wedding, without telling me ahead of time. And I didn't care! So I'm frustrated she would turn around and get upset, when she doesn't follow her own rules.
U, I am sorry you're going through this. There is no question that it is not fair and equal. It isn't for any of us. If it was we'd probably all be working on our marriages! When we talk about being the lighthouse and the rock, this is exactly what we mean. Your W is a wild storm while you are a model of stability. Whenever she starts the crazy talk try to picture that image in your mind- of her lashing about like a wild storm and you as the solid lighthouse taking the battering like it's nothing. Believe me, it helps! Mental images can really help calm you when you feel anxious. Have you read the Happiness Trap? That's where I learned those techniques.
Thanks AS -
I own the Happiness Trap, but never read all the way through it. I bought it back in the pre-BD days when I thought we just had some basic communication problems and I wanted to do my part to work on things. That and about 20 other books! I'll go check it out again.
The image of weathering the storm helps me a lot. What troubles me about the lighthouse analogy is that it implies standing in place, which is something I cannot do.
One thing I've noticed is if I stand up for myself just a bit, and show her a little bit of frustration (but not much), that seems to help. This morning she was pestering me over text about the fact D3 keeps crawling into my bed in the middle of the night, implying that I was causing her to have sleep troubles. I said something like "I think D3 is really struggling with the separation. She keeps asking when I am going to move back home. I'm doing my best to make her feel safe and comfortable at my house." I know this was not good validation but it seemed to have the desired effect of backing off my W.
Sometimes I wonder if I take the lighthouse analogy too far and I need to show that I'm a human from time to time.
