One thing is also like to point out. Many people new to my threads may not realize that we were firmly in Ring and piecing. Last week I found she was in contact on an online game with a guy that was remote (even in another country). She didn't BD me on confrontation. She immediately took steps to keep Ring and piecing, including full transparency and giving up the game and others too.
So this is a lot different than what we went through on Dec 2017.
That said, it is unacceptable. And I'm not going to simply sweep it under the rug.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Let me up front and say that I am NOT advocating this approach. But, it's something I've been thinking about in general. It more or less boils down to a R-rated and potentially damaging version of "if you love it, set it free." I am not saying that it will work either, but I am generally curious how this would fundamentally drive personal growth from both parties and potentially build something from it. Something Esther Perel says - "your first marriage is over. would you like to create a second one together?"
What if, and a big big if, you gave your W permission to follow her fantasy down the rabbit hole and see what she finds? Get to the rock bottom of it? You in the meantime are not waiting in the wings while she goes on her own discovery path, but take one of your own. A path that asks the same questions that your W is asking, but in a more direct way - why do you want to be in the relationship? what is about the other person that brings you fulfillment? would you be able to find fulfillment with someone else? In a way, open the relationship up for 12 months and see what happens. An experiment of sorts.
I understand this goes against principles of fidelity.
As I said, I don't even know if I would be able to do this, but one thing I know for sure - I will never ask someone to be in my life if they didn't want to be there fully and present with me. I'd rather be single and explore all that I want in life than be with someone who is 95% in. And who is willing to face the ups and downs in a relationship and be in a full partnership - whatever that looks like. The golden saying about decision making goes - 98% is hard, 100% is easy.
As a man of faith, I know what I have proposed goes against not just the Christian faith, but almost all the major religions of the world. The other way to potentially get to the finish line with your W is IC/MC and taking advantage of short circuiting her WW path.
Anyways, you asked me for it and so I gave it. As I said, I am not saying that you entertain this approach. I am merely projecting what I would NOW consider with all what I know and what types of challenges I am willing to bring on.
I also understand that this may offend people's sensibilities about monogamy, marriage, fidelity etc, and I respectfully see that. I am just sharing an unconventional approach that has piqued my curiosity.
Maika, ah ok. Yes that would definitely fly in the face of our faith. But then again, so does one spouse sneaking and engaging in this type of behavior.
The night I confronted her, as Blu pointed out, she took on a defensive tone. Right before we ended the conversation, I called her out on it and she admitted that she was embarrassed and ashamed which is why she was being defensive (and defiant). The next day we discussed it briefly. I actually floated this as a hypothetical, but in a very flippant way. "What am I supposed to do? Say go have a day? And then start engaging with women on the internet in similar manner? To me that is an open relationship and not something that I am open to." She immediately said no, that isn't what she wanted either, and that she knew it was wrong.
It is an interesting thought, but you are right that it is counter to my beliefs. Thanks for sharing though Maika.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Let me up front and say that I am NOT advocating this approach. But, it's something I've been thinking about in general. It more or less boils down to a R-rated and potentially damaging version of "if you love it, set it free." I am not saying that it will work either, but I am generally curious how this would fundamentally drive personal growth from both parties and potentially build something from it. Something Esther Perel says - "your first marriage is over. would you like to create a second one together?"
What if, and a big big if, you gave your W permission to follow her fantasy down the rabbit hole and see what she finds? Get to the rock bottom of it? You in the meantime are not waiting in the wings while she goes on her own discovery path, but take one of your own. A path that asks the same questions that your W is asking, but in a more direct way - why do you want to be in the relationship? what is about the other person that brings you fulfillment? would you be able to find fulfillment with someone else? In a way, open the relationship up for 12 months and see what happens. An experiment of sorts.
I understand this goes against principles of fidelity.
As I said, I don't even know if I would be able to do this, but one thing I know for sure - I will never ask someone to be in my life if they didn't want to be there fully and present with me. I'd rather be single and explore all that I want in life than be with someone who is 95% in. And who is willing to face the ups and downs in a relationship and be in a full partnership - whatever that looks like. The golden saying about decision making goes - 98% is hard, 100% is easy.
As a man of faith, I know what I have proposed goes against not just the Christian faith, but almost all the major religions of the world. The other way to potentially get to the finish line with your W is IC/MC and taking advantage of short circuiting her WW path.
Anyways, you asked me for it and so I gave it. As I said, I am not saying that you entertain this approach. I am merely projecting what I would NOW consider with all what I know and what types of challenges I am willing to bring on.
I also understand that this may offend people's sensibilities about monogamy, marriage, fidelity etc, and I respectfully see that. I am just sharing an unconventional approach that has piqued my curiosity.
Sounds like a version of the movie HallPass. On one hand you want to take away the Forbiddeness of the the forbidden fruit. On the other hand, she is playing with temptation, but I understand completely where Maika is coming from with this about either being 100% there and in, or not at all. That's my attitude with my sich currently, and I really don't know if it's the right one to have because pride can seep its way into it. On the other hand it's still a matter of principle. Steve I know I'm a Noob here. But it sounds like your wife needs validation, flirtation and compliments from other men. You should ask her to explore the reason why in IC. it sounds like she needs to learn the difference between seeking a novelty or thrill to make her feel excited, and the difference between operating from morals and principles continuously and consistently
