This weekend I had the kids. My W had a mini-rant over text that I did not update her for several hours what we were doing, and also that I didn't tell her we went to hang out with a mutual friend (and she instead found out by talking to my kids).
It really triggered me.
In the past month, she has twice hung out with mutual friends of ours, one of him was my best man at our wedding, without telling me ahead of time. And I didn't care! So I'm frustrated she would turn around and get upset, when she doesn't follow her own rules.
U, I am sorry you're going through this. There is no question that it is not fair and equal. It isn't for any of us. If it was we'd probably all be working on our marriages! When we talk about being the lighthouse and the rock, this is exactly what we mean. Your W is a wild storm while you are a model of stability. Whenever she starts the crazy talk try to picture that image in your mind- of her lashing about like a wild storm and you as the solid lighthouse taking the battering like it's nothing. Believe me, it helps! Mental images can really help calm you when you feel anxious. Have you read the Happiness Trap? That's where I learned those techniques.
