Can you give an example of this? WAS's don't typically get pissed about a LBS doing GAL stuff unless they are just disappearing without warning and/ or dumping home/kid care responsibilities on them.
I'm just leaving without saying anything unless she asks. Then very vague. I always have taken care of the kids at probably the 75/25% (Me 75) when we're at home so that's a 180. That sounds neglectful but isn't. She takes good care of them when I'm not doing whatever.
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Great! That was a perfect "validating" response.
Hard to do.
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Yes. Sit down with her, tell her you would like a day or two a week just to do whatever you want after work and offer her the same. Set designated days, like you watch the kids Monday and Wednesday so she is free to do what she wants and she watches them Tuesday and Thursday. Something like that.
I did that last night. She had a blow up last night and then came to "Work things out." about the one sided argument. I didn't participate and went to my room. She doesn't want anything to do with scheduling. I offered to do a calendar online. One of her lies was/is that she wanted to get rid of all of her Google apps etc. that way I couldn't tell what she was doing or see her emails. We had complete transparency until her A started and I didn't check up on her. Still don't want to know. Now, that's her excuse to not wanting an electronic calendar or anything on her cell. She's paranoid that I'll see what she's doing and doesn't want me to have access.
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This is a common question. Here's the thing, right now you can't do anything "right" in her eyes. You come home from work on time every day then you are controlling and smothering her. You come home late from work then you are abandoning your responsibilities. You try to talk to her then you're not giving her enough time and space. You don't talk to her then you are being cold and indifferent. Right? YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. So you DB. You DB until she gets over all her anger and resentment and hatred. You remain the rock and the lighthouse throughout. Some day she'll get over it and THEN you might have a shot at recon, but until then you're going to get anger and hatred and she will speak in absolutes- "we're NEVER getting back together", there's NO chance this will ever work", etc.
Yeah that been readily apparent and once again last night. She took our nephew back to his dorm. When she got back, she started with "Let me ask you a question." in a snide tone. That's her go to when she's about to spew or accuse me of something. She says, "Right when I left, your blue tooth shut off in the car." Insinuating I shut it off so because I'm hiding something. That's attitude is part of her alien persona. (I didn't shut anything off or even touch my cell.) Then, "What happened to being completely open?" "That's you just being totally hypocritical." I just got up off of the couch and started taking the dog's out for the last time. She got really pissed and kept spewing.
I went upstairs to my room to get ready for bed. About five minutes later, she followed me up under the auspices of getting her laundry. Spewing the entire time. I just stood there for a awhile not really watching but waiting for her to get her laundry. It took her a while and as I was about to leave she finished. On her way out she said, "You didn't have to watch me, I'm not going to take anything you F-n tool bag.
About 30 min later she knocks and comes in with about half the attitude. I told her if she wanted to talk she would have to calm down and talk to me with out an attitude. She complied.
She wanted to talk about "How things are going." She says if things are going to be like this then we might as well separate everything and get ready for it to be over. She want's to know why I'm not saying anything besides what she told me when we talk. That I'm not doing anything to make her want to stay. Why I'm I going to IC, for her/us/me? She says I act like it's over and if I think it's over that I should just go ahead and move out.
She says it everything she can do to come home everyday and she thinks of moving out. She brought up separating the bank accounts and other things. I just told her that if she wants I won't stand in her way. She says "I'm not moving out until we get the D." Okie dokie then...
She basically indicated that she was still blaming me, she was still focused on herself and that my 180s/detaching is noticeable.
I basically validated where I could didn't say a lot when I couldn't validate and brought up the schedule.
She's loony right now.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
