For GAL I've signed up to local gym (starting in a few days), exercising at home too, hobbies at home, walking, speaking to friends that I haven't spoken to in a while. Also have had a few day trips to London to see things (concerts, comedy etc.) on my own. Takes my mind off the situation. Might do more of that soon. At work I'm doing exams (accountancy) and waiting on results for my last one. Hopefully that means a pay rise!
AWESOME!! Work on getting to the point where 75% of your post content is stuff like this. THIS is your path to healing!
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My W is still really important to me. I don't hate her, and I haven't stopped loving her. I am just sad that she is so hardened that she feels it's ok to chuck the last 8 years away.
Yes it's hard for us all to wrap our heads around what happened to our M's. For some of us there's no reason at all. I was with my XW nearly 25 years and the most I ever got from her was "I don't know why, I just don't want to try anymore." You can spend your days contemplating the why's and what if's or you can go about the business of making yourself awesome. Having walked the path I'm here to tell you the 2nd choice is the way to go.
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I think going to the gym will also help. I've always been scared of going to a gym (NGS) - just the fear of other more 'alpha' guys thinking snide comments about my scrawny frame and how I'll be here a while before any results happen (!).
It will definitely help, and having spent decades in multiple gyms I can tell you that your fears are completely unfounded. There are people from every walk of life working out in most gyms. Skinny, fat, buff, old, young, handicapped, etc. etc. I don't even particularly notice who is there or what they look like, I'm just there to get business done like most everyone else. Just use common sense, like don't hog up space in front of the dumbbell rack or jump on a bench or machine that someone else is using (if there's a towel on it that generally means someone is still using it and may not be on it at that moment because they are supersetting or something) and no one will care what you're doing. And don't ego-lift, no one cares how much you're lifting or how many times but if you're trying to lift too much and your form is horrible then people will be rolling their eyes. If you've never lifted in your life then spend some money on a trainer for a while, that is money extremely well spent because you will learn how to lift correctly from the beginning. Proper form is very, very important to keep you from getting injured.
Now let's talk about NGS for a second. You've read the book so you know NGS isn't about "being nice", it's about being passive/aggressive while putting on a facade of being a nice guy. Nice guys are VERY concerned about what others think of them. Not about what kind of person they really are, but more about what kind of person others -think- they are. So your gym fears are as you suspected largely because of NGS. So are all the following statements you've made:
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Do I need to tell her "I don't want this, but I know I can't change your mind. I'm not going to obstruct you." Or something to that effect?
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Yes I was thinking if I should write a little note to her parents to apologise (they live 200 miles away), but I guess that would not help at this stage.
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I will reply and get her to ask about certain fees so we can compare them. I want to end my reply with "Very sad about our house." Should I? Is that pursuing?
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I really don't think I can do the "If this divorce goes through I do not want to be friends with you" thing.
It seems so cruel. To cut her out my life after making her part of the centre of my world for eight years.
How is all that nice guy stuff working out for you so far? DROP IT! Here's the thing- people love a bad boy. Women love bad boys. Men love bad boys. Why? Because you know what you're getting. Even if they are a-holes you know that's who they are, they're "real". Why are men so afraid of being perceived as "bad" when that's exactly what most people are attracted to? It's strange. So quit freakin' worrying about whether everyone thinks you're nice, they probably DO think you're nice and that's part of the problem.
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As an anniversary present, I made my W a little gift - a short stop-motion film featuring all her Jellycat toys. I also included a lot of references to in-jokes that we've had over the years. The background music was 'our song'. Not the song that we had at our wedding, just a song that means a lot to both of us about our R.
I left it in the house a while ago. I had started it in March (before W found out everything), but wanted to finish it despite everything that had happened. I just left a note saying that there wasn't a good time to give it to her in person, I didn't want to leave it incomplete, and hope she liked it.
Anyway, she texted me today:
W: "I got the DVD you made. I don't understand why you would make it, especially with our song. You know it's going to make this so much harder for me to bare? Is it deliberate? I just don't understand you at all."
Let me ask you something, if you break your arm which do you think would help it heal faster:
A) get it set and then leave it alone for a long time so it can heal on its own B) hit it with a hammer each day to see if that makes it better
QUIT DOING B TO YOUR FAILING MARRIAGE! That is MAJOR pursuit, like exactly the kind of pursuit that makes your W think you are pathetic and someone she needs to get away from as quickly as possible.
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I haven't replied yet, but I'm going to say:
Me - "I do see how you would feel it’ll make things harder to deal with. That’s not why I did it - I’m not out to upset you. I’m just letting you know that I care for you, no matter what. I can imagine how it would be overwhelming at this time. It’s really not deliberate. That song means so much to both of us, and what’s in the film. My intention was only good."
Really? That's how you want to respond? Go back and read DR again. Read NMMNG again. Also pick up and read The Married Man Sex Life Primer. Don't say or do ANYTHING to your W until you've really read them deeply. Don't just blast through them in an evening, read to UNDERSTAND.
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I believe I'm validating here but not being too defensive. I won't say sorry as that suggests NGS to me - thoughts?
It is dripping with pursuit and NGS. Just don't reply.
