I just got caught up on the last 2 weeks of your sitch. I am sorry that you have been experiencing so much anxiety and sadness. It really is so so hard -- in my sitch, it was harder than the death of some loved ones in my life that I had experienced. The sadness/loss combined with the betrayal of an A, and then mix in some fears about the future of unknowns (being a single parent/finances/etc) it is just all too much! I do think that it might be a new wave of emotions for you as you move into acceptance. Sometimes as change is about to occur, things can get worse before they get better. While your sitch is not new, I think your acceptance of where it stands is still new for you.
You have some great support on your thread. I agree with all of it. When I read your response to his illness and how many olive branches you extended, I had the same thoughts as AS. None of that was necessary. While it is kind of you to be thoughtful and caring while he is sick, it also shows your weakness in your need to be there for him. It does not make you the bigger person, it just lets him off the hook. I think more simple matter of fact responses would have been better. Remember, he fired you as his wife, and so you don't need to act like one. It is really hard to be a single parent and get the flu, and that is because we have to handle these things on our own when we get D. Perhaps he should know what that natural consequence feels like!
In terms of the family picture for preschool, well if it were me, I would not submit one or request anything from him. I would take a lovely pic of you and D4 together and then give it to the school. You could even email him that he should do the same and leave it at that. This is another moment that highlights a natural consequence of your sitch! It hurts and it doesn't feel nice, esp for D4 because you want to shield her, but sadly IT IS your reality right now. He needs to see, hear and feel the reality of his choices .... Because at what point does the family pic stop? In 1 year? 5 years? Right now, you are not a family, so why pretend :-(
You are starting to see him crack and show vulnerability and he even got the flu (might be related to stress). In my case my H got shingles and looked terrible! He was cracking and unraveling big time. So what did I do? I remain cordial and I continued to DB and pull back further and further. As he became more vulnerable, he also saw that he was really losing me, which he could no longer tolerate. The thing is, like I have said before, the mind reading just doesn't work. His "signs of weakness" could also be just that -- he is emotional, tired, guilty, worn out, etc -- but may not mean he is planning on returning. .... and then next month or next year, that could all change again. So you cannot change your course of actions based on where he is at (or you think he is at).
So I would suggest you just keep moving forward with a focus on you and your life without him. It is the only way because he is not really in your life with you.
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 09/03/1901:53 AM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
