I decided to move over here from the MLC section as I haven't been trying to save my marriage for a long time now. I knew it at OM2 (the guy that gets Vegas prostitutes) but I needed more time. It felt really good to lean into the hopelessness and not think of it as bad. I had it backwards beating myself up with hope, I hope she wakes up, stops cheating, whatever else. She's not going to. I do wish her well but it's different.

I took a long break from here and have been trying to focus on myself and kids. I stumbled across CEN and it fits me well. I felt really exposed for awhile and I've been trying to work on things myself but I think I may try to go back to a therapist at some point. I didn't care for the last one I tried after my therapist moved and the cost adds up quick.

I really wonder if xw is a narcissist, if she always has been or if it is just now, but narcissist discard fits well too. Some of the things she said at that time, she may have been being an honest narcissist. Ending everything instantly with no working on anything, devaluing everything about me, telling me I was a project, telling me I had too much respect for women and she just wants to get f***'d (this one haunts me), affairs, spending, how I wasn't good enough, surprise mediation 2 days before Christmas, telling me she was going to get my kids taken away from me, on and on. And the fact that I didn't or won't get any closure, no apology (IDT she is sorry), nothing, points me towards thinking that. She also has some sort of knack or connection for knowing if I'm having a good time, when I was talking to the lady I liked, etc. and will text, often seemingly to try to get a reaction. Her and her bf take bimonthly vacations and IDK if it's me being too sensitive but she will send the kids over with something on from where she went and things like that. Last week she was talking to one of her cheerleaders about her bday vacation this weekend right near me where I could hear and I think she is expecting to get engaged soon. I don't understand why she would do that. I'm over her and don't care but I do worry that if she decides to monster again that she will have money but I try not to worry about that and get along the best I can. Since they seem to follow a theme here should I expect her to get nasty again if she does remarry? I'm thinking full time mom would hamper her lifestyle so I'm not worrying now but it is in the back of my mind.

Trying not to talk about ex but I'm going to get this out too even though it was awhile ago. She started giving S gluten and they were hiding it from me. After how far he came with his ASD I couldn't believe it. She lied and tried to say she just started when I found out but so much clicked and I know it had been about a year. So she was teaching them to hide things from me like I'm crazy, and then if I do rightfully get upset it will get turned on me. We reintroduced dairy and he was okay but since she just did it herself I didn't have a chance to journal/have a baseline for his behavior so IDK if some of the problems during that time were related or not. Thankfully he seems to be doing okay with it.

I still haven't had any relationships. It's kind of strange, it's not that I don't want one but I'm feeling lost and don't even know where to begin. I would love for my kids to have an example of a healthy relationship but I think I need to do more self work but when I am I good enough? I just don't feel like I have a lot to offer someone. Some days I know that isn't true and others I really seem to feel that way.