Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Rita]

Westo, thank you for the THREE hugs, they were very comforting, as was the tea with cream and scones.

Grace -- This is a big conversation but unfortunately I do not trust anymore that I am hearing what God wants. For example -- oftentimes I feel that when God wants me to understand something, He will tell me twice. And a few years back on a day that I was really low, I was in a store with my daughter, sadly looking down as we went up an escalator holding hands. And something suddenly made me look up just as we were passing a photograph of the little stone bridge where H proposed in a big park in my city. It was a big deal, that bridge, because we went to that same place every year since our first date. So I looked up and saw that photo and felt this tentative peace. And then I went home and there was a flyer in the mail for something, and on one side was a huge photo of the same bridge! So I felt that it was God speaking to me, and I kept the flyer in my top drawer and still have it. And to be clear, this is not a bridge that one sees all the time or that is constantly in flyers. So it was unusual to see it once in a day, let alone twice.

Well, yesterday I had to bring D10 to H because I asked him for a later start time so she could see some cousins who were coming through town. So I had to bring her way out to wear he lives on the train, and I asked if he could come down to get her at the gate so I wouldn't have to pay again. But it turned out that that station didn't have a way back in, so I had to cross over and pay again and go to other side. All of this is just to point out how many things had to happen for what happened then -- the train finally pulls up, and there are ads on the side of all the cars, and the one that stopped right in front of me was -- a huge image of that bridge.

I was literally paralyzed. I just gasped. And then I got in the train and just felt like that message from God was plastered to my back, and when I got to my station, I stopped and stared at it til the train pulled away.

And the thing is, I don't know what anyone else is hearing, but I really don't think God would ever tell us to stop standing. I mean, I think He will be with us through anything and everything, and that if we divorce and remarry, he will make something out of that too. But I think the plan that keeps us closest to Him is to be as we were when we came to him, as Paul says. I am not saying that your D and mine are not necessary as civil financial transactions to protect us, clearly they are; but as far as the spiritual side of marriage, I don't think God would encourage us to end that. I believe that we are called to marry once. But in my faith, annulment is a real thing -- and I wasn't even really married in the Catholic Church, so I have been counseled many times to get an annulment and be free to marry for what would be considered the first time! But something blocks me from believing that.

But I also know that H might never come back and that God might have a totally different plan for me. So I am trying not to make any decision for myself but just to wait to see what God does. I don't know that I can base my whole life on what feel like messages. I honestly don't think we ever know exactly what God is saying, and that we can only have confidence that his plan will be working even when we choose the "wrong" path. Father Arseny always comes to mind, or other long-sufferers. God doesn't fix everything or carve out a peaceful path for all of us. Hardly. That can't be the point of faith or no wars, disease or children dying or any of the other horrible things that happen would allow us to still have faith at all. I certainly don't think that I get to trade my faith for a happy life, I am sure it's not transactional.

But your question is probably at the route of my current suffering. I feel a little bit mad at God if he is calling me to stand for "nothing." I am still thinking on some level that this is transactional, and that since I did my part, if he wants me to do more or pray in another way or, horror of horrors, if He is testing me, well, I am ready to fail because it's not fair.

Which leads us to Tad's post -- first of all, thank you so much for your extremely sweet message. It really really hit me, and shows that you have such a good heart and know just what to say. The only part I am not sure about is what I was saying above -- because when you have a strong faith, you know that God does not actually want you to be happy but holy. Not that holiness is a misery, but that it's not really based on what is happening in this world, it's based on a peace that comes when you are really connected to God, and this could come even when you are going through what we all are going through -- or even when you are in a war or being crucified upside down! That kind of happiness is not something explainable, it's just a grace. I get glimpses of this but my current crisis is because I don't want to love God that much. I am very focused on my current circumstances and how the whole trajectory of my life and my kids' lives is not what I wanted. I am in some kind of denial and fighting my reality. I feel separated from God in that way, but I don't have the faith or strength to ask Him to pull me back.

Which leads us to DnJ, and the arms lifting you when you collapse -- and my deep gratitude for that!

XO to you all.