so, things continue pretty much as they were. There's a general atmosphere of friendliness between H and me when we see each other. Childcare and finances worked out amicably. I feel less wary around him, and he is doing a very careful job of respecting my boundaries. I can see he wants to be helpful to me and offers to do practical things above and beyond his responsibilities as a parent, and sometimes I take him up on that and sometimes I don't, and it feels okay. There have been one or two bumps in the road - misunderstandings about diary clashes or differences in parenting decisions - but without exception these past few weeks we have dealt with them through adult, calm and rational conversation. I've really appreciated that and told him so.
I've been concentrating more on my own life - connections with friends, making some improvements in the house, my work. Now and again I make a decision or a change in the house without asking or consulting with him, and half of the time it feels good and half of the time it feels really sad. I'm more than capable of running and managing and financing my own life, but now and again there are these little reminders that while we're friendly and co-operative, we're not currently a couple or in a marriage relationship and it is appropriate I take these decisions on my own without consulting with him and that's freeing and sad at the same time.
There are some financial matters to do with insurance that need discussing. He opted for some products that have no tie-in, so we can change our minds at any point without paying additional fees. And is splitting the cost 50/50. I guess that's the pattern we're in at the moment - a kind of holding pattern that either of us could get out of pretty easily at any time.
I am continuing with IC and finding it very helpful. I am finding it easier to manage my emotions - especially anger and anxiety and sadness - and feeling more confident in setting boundaries with myself and others with my children, at work and with H.
Something I am reflecting on this week is the difference between deception and privacy. I don't know much about H's social life and there's no reason that I would right now. Ditto he for mine. I am behaving as a married woman and don't see men socially alone. I have no idea what his boundaries are on that right now and it doesn't actually concern me that much. But there's a lot I keep from H for my own sense of self protection. He has no access to my current account and doesn't know I've been saving quite hard since he moved out. He doesn't know most of my friends, especially some new ones that have become really important to me. He knows nothing at all about my spiritual or religious life. I don't really talk to my friends about the marriage situation - other than one or two trusted female friends. My parents don't know H is living elsewhere, most of my work colleagues don't know. Sometimes I think I am pretending and living a lie and not being open and honest and having authentic relationships, and at other times I think I am having good boundaries and being private. I am not sure what the difference is and what the best decisions are here. Does anyone have any experience on this to share?
