Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Gerda]

I owe you all replies, Grace, SBJ, DnJ, Westo, but I am posting this morning just because I am really low. I am really battling spiritually because I do not want to give up standing but I have been struggling so much with my loneliness and my disbelief that God is allowing this to go on for so long and that now it has become so brutal. And honestly I just really want to love a man again, and to have a man love me even just a little, like for a week. : )

I also stupidly looked up H on the internet last night. His photos that he has posted just on his work profile and places like that are SO weird. He looks terrible and crazy, but he posted these as his best photos. A few years ago he wrote me, furious, about our AirB listing, where there was this beautiful happy family photo,but in which he weighed maybe 80 pounds more than he does now. He was so angry, I replaced it with a photo of me setting D's birthday cake in front of her, a very sweet photo of just us two!

But anyway I have to pay him each month on the 1st, today is the last payment on our agreement and they are trying to get me to keep paying until trial/settlement but I am totally out of money so I will be saying no, but it's going to be so ugly. I have been dreading it -- ye olde ghost, DnJ. Today is the 1st and I was going to PayPal him by tonight, was waiting til last minute obviously because I am so broke. And I ended up having to pay $500 in EZPass violations because before I gave him the car I checked to see if there was any money I owed on tolls, I had taken down the EZ Pass when I realized he was using it with no card attached to it anymore, and the tag was in my name. Well, he owed $550 in violations and SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN PENALTIES! EZ Pass told me that I could pay the whole thing and ask for courtesy to waive the fees this time and turn in the tag, so I did, so that I could give him the car with nothing in my name anymore, and no risk of me owing 7K. It was the last bit of money I had for summer spending. He was furious that I handled it and kept insisting the tag was in his name -- talk about delusional! Just the name of a tag that is clearly in my name on the bill is a cause for anger and insisting that I am wrong!

He is also picking up D today so I was a little worried about it being the money day and if he would be crazy around her. And you recall, last time I was late with the payment because he insisted on the insanely expensive appraiser, he took me to court for contempt of court while I was out of town with the kids. (My L went for me.) He must have spent 2K on a lawyer to make me pay 1500. The judge was furious with him for wasting her time but gave me one week to pay the rest, and I did. But again, the MLC mind does not see reality. As you will see below, he actually thought that it worked well the last time he did that, and that the judge will support him! I only wrote back, "Today is Sept 1. The payment is due today," And he wrote back, "Sept 1 started at midnight." WOWOWOWOWWOW But it just all makes me feel so hopeless and low about the future of my family. I know what everyone here will say but today I just need a hug. I periodically just get so sad that he hates me so much and it all seems so unfair, even though I know it is MLC and the man I knew is not there right now. I am just reeling from the betrayal this week. So just send me some hugs please. I know al the things I am supposed to be thinking. I just want to cry on your shoulders.

Gerds (he uses my shortest cutest nickname), I never got paid the $2500. What you obviously want is another emergency court date Tuesday...in which you will yet again be seen for the truth of what you are: a recalcitrant person, flagrantly living in impunity, while in violation of no less than four court orders..if this path is one you wish to follow then this is the path I will happily follow.

While you (just as you always have) have your own esoteric, invidualized clock, calandar and map that you alone bullishly live by, the world (including the court and all of us ordinary citizens) humbly obediently shares its own ordinary clock and a calandar and map... and if you really believe the ordinary humble world (and all of its ordinary humble citizens) are going to yet again be bullied to get in joint with that bullish clock, calandar and map that you alone establish as your own..if this is yet again what you wish us and the court to believe, then that belief will be yours.

I will see you in court Tuesday.

Your willful, fractious and recalcitrant days of bullishly arrogantly flipping the proverbial "f-you" finger to the world's and the court's clocks, calandars and maps are finished. At the end of it all, I trust that we will all miraculously and pleasantly discover -- after a just and honorable war -- that what's humbly shared by the ordinary whole-wide world doesn't simply bullishly get reduced to what uniquely belongs to a defiant despot.

If Justice --and Love -- finally beget anything for the world, it is that "discovery" and no other "discovery" that Justice and Love finally beget for the world: that one person's extraordinarily bullish ways do not simply become the ways of an ordinary world and its ordinary citizens.

See you Tuesday in court.

-H