I am sorry you find yourself in this sitch again. You said you are open to hearing all advice/opinions, so I wanted to weigh in. You have a lot of great people in your corner, so I am not sure how much I can add, but I will try. I also acknowledge that we don't see eye to eye all of the time, and so you can take what I say with a grain of salt.
I think it is safe to say that as far as Newcomers go, you have dove in deeper than anyone on the boards and dedicated much of your life to DBing and helping others. You have only been on the boards for 18 months and have written over 5600 posts! That is amazing -- I don't even know how you do it! ... but perhaps in turn you have become your own worst enemy? I do wonder if DBing is on the forefront of your brain for so many hours each day, that it can paradoxically cause a greater attachment to your W and the idea that you have to make your M work? A part of healthy detachment comes not only from the GAL, but from taking your mind off of your M and allowing the complete distraction away from it. Just a thought I had.
I agree with the others that I have seen you try and take responsibility for some of her actions and choices. And while that speaks to your strong character -- that you are willing to be accountable and make corrections for your own mistakes -- it can also lead to a false sense of control over your situation. You know as well as anyone that even if you DB perfectly, you can never control what she does or the outcome. DBing is really to increase the odds that they will want to remain married, but equally it is to prepare ourselves for it not working. It is always easier to see that in other people's sitches than our own.
When I read your writings I get the sense you might feel defensive and you are persuasive in your argument that things are not as bad as last time and that you are handling things better. I don't doubt that at all! My bigger concern is that her behavior and need for attention from other men is becoming a pattern over time. Addiction or not, that makes me think she has never recovered from it. The best predicament of future behavior is from past. Her consistent need to flirt and get validation from men is not going to go away, even if you DB perfectly, set boundaries and follow them, go to MC, etc. She has to want to believe herself that her R with you is enough, and it doesn't seem to be. She needs these OM and has said it whether you allow it or not. I am sorry to say that.
You mention that by not fulfilling her LL for 2 decades that you are partly responsible, and I don't agree. All Ms and relationships run into trouble at times and most of us here can see how we were not good partners. None of that has to do with her "need" for attention from other men. I think she is lacking a sense of self worth and self fulfillment in her own day to day life so she turns to the quick fix -- gaming, messages, flirting, attention, etc. I don't know if this is as directly related to her satisfaction in her M with you as you want to believe that it is. And understandably you want to believe that because that is something you CAN control. You can DB better and work on being AMOAFWL, right? ... but you DID do that, and she is still being a WW in her actions and her explicit stated desires ...
Maybe a better question to ask yourself is if you want to be married to a partner you have to treat like a teenager? Someone you have to monitor and control or worry about their screen time. That doesn't sound fulfilling to me. Even if your pursuing her and making her feel wanted -- as R2C suggests you should do -- works temporarily, do you want to be in a long term M with someone you have to try so hard to stop them from keeping away from OMs attention? That sounds exhausting to me. I would lose attraction for my partner if I had to force his attention away form OWs and if I knew thats what he desired.
So from my perspective, the answer lies in something you cannot control or even influence no matter how hard you try. She on her own needs to create a genuine and fulfilling life for herself -- and one that she doesn't require shallow quick fix it's (like a hit of a drug) from strangers -- and hopefully a life that includes you in it. I am not sure you can do any of that for her and I doubt all the praying and counseling will change anything. She has to want things to change and then take actions to change her own life first. ... And maybe she needs to really lose you before realizing what she has in front of her. I am not saying you should leave your M, that is not my place, but these are my thoughts for now.
Best, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
