Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Thanks for the support AS.

I backed off and things are simmering down.

As much as I would have loved to make this all about me, its about my wife and I being together, trying to figure this thing out...

journaling what's happened over the last week or so.

With school, W and I share a calendar for the kids. We text throughout the day to discuss events, homework and daily things. W would always start with a Good morning text and I'd reply. I don't really initiate anymore like I had been before. It's something like 3 or 4 our of 10 times. And now W is saying she loves me every day especially in the mornings before work, and that is the only time I say I love you back to her or maybe before bedtime when she says it. I stopped being the one to say it first. I'm taking it a little more slowly this time around.

Last week W told me she was going to her counselor session and when I met her at home, she seemed vibrant and really happy. She welcomed me with a kiss and asked how my day was and it just felt surreal. I didn't ask or I don't ask about her sessions. She doesn't speak about them. Just lets me know when she goes. In the beginning she did say she had homework to do on herself and she liked this therapist who gave her homework to change the way she had been thinking. She's a few visits in now and it feels like a noticeable difference. Just my feelings, but I believe its really helping her sort her stuff out. I am truly happy for her to make that step for herself.

W and I aren't really on social media or on the computers like days of old. I am at my apartment right now on the computer. I haven't brought it to the house. I seldom visit the apartment to get on it nor am I on the ipad much at the house…. and that also means I get on here much, much less. It's hard for me to put into words the trade off I get from it. Evening times, I spend a lot with my youngest one at the dinner table drawing pictures with him and he now wants to be an artist. I almost feel bad. He was wanting to be a builder or architect. But now he loves to draw so much that he wrote in one of his school activity sheets that he wants to be an artist. If he's an art director somewhere that'd be really cool. Its been hard to keep this forum away from my kids and my W from looking at so I keep it at the apartment pc. I stopped having it up on the ipad and not having enough time to journal. The kids are quick to grab it sometimes.

W and I sometimes watch shows together on tv and that's our way of winding down together. Sometimes we lay in bed for an hour while the little one showers in our bathroom and we talk about the day or the kids. I don't be all up on her though. We're on our sides of the bed and she'd sometimes scooch over to me and cuddle. She comes to me a lot more. There are days she'd be on Instagram and show me what crazy stuff is on there. I still have access to her phone but I haven't checked it in a while. While I am on that, I don't have any feelings about what she told me of that guy that day. I don't really think about it. I've said to myself, "self, well this is enough to move on from. what do I want to do?" I asked. so I said I would forgive and keep it going.

My mother in law lives with us now. The other day, W said her mom talked to her and asked if I could drive her after work to a wake. I had been sick and told her I would rather not if it was back into town with the traffic and W agreed that by the time I got home, the wake would be over. She said she would let her mom know. Her mother doesn't speak English and there would be a communication issue with making sure we arrived at the right place, right time and everything else. The next day during a text exchange, I told my W that although I was sick with a cold and it might be late that it felt like the right thing to do was take her so that is what I was going to do. She said no worries and she had a cousin able to take her but she loved that about me and she loves me for it.

My W said she has been very happy and said we needed to discuss me dropping this apartment and asked what that would take. We have our 15th anniversary in October and she asked if we could celebrate it after going out of town to a friend of hers wedding reception which is also the same weekend as our anniversary. She wanted to celebrate our anniversary. I said okay. I asked her how she felt about Retrouvaille and said I think it could really benefit us with communication and she said yes. She asked if it could be after our 15th anniversary and I said sure.

Yesterday she was out on a lunch with a client. She said she got invited to a baseball game and I said okay have fun. She sends me a picture of her and one of the ladies sporting their club tshirts. I guess she didn't have to do that but she did that in a way I guess to show me she was with a female. I never asked who she was going with except the company. She had told me about this the day prior and said she might be at the game a little later to where she might ask me to pick up my little one from day care. I told her sure no problem and to let me know if she does stay later. Which the day of she did. She has been picking up my son from daycare every day even on days I said I would because I get home later than she does.

I didn't get any red flags from her being out with work folks and she's got the life360 on and we text throughout the day where she was sending me pix of her and the lady eating food and at the game. She did say something about sobering up and having to wait for that before driving which kinda got on my nerves. She said she didn't want me to worry about her driving and drinking and I told her I was okay if she drinks but not to the point I have to wonder or worry if she needs to wait however long to sober up. The convo never became about trust but just on drinking and driving because it had been raining. Maybe I was wrong to tell her but I mentioned to her what I thought would have been a reasonable thing to do. I said she was out from lunchtime in the middle of the day to early evening and if she knew she would be coming home she should have found an earlier reasonable time to stop drinking rather than saying she wasn't coming home yet because she was waiting to sober up. That just bothered me and sounded careless.

I slept early on some cold meds and in the middle of the night we both woke up and had sex and laid with each other until the morning and went to work. She initiated. Guess maybe she felt bad. I don't know.

W and I are splitting weeks where she takes the youngest to daycare one week and I do the next, we rotate to give the other person early time to get into work to work out and exercise.

As for sex, we have it a few times a week. When I eased up on touching like hand on shoulder or back or stopped some of the foot rubs or back rubs, it turned into her doing that for me. I let the tension build. Sometimes it feels really hot and heavy and we have explored other things as well to keep it spicy. I've commented on things and she has been willing to try different things so after 25 years we still have plenty of room to explore and find new and creative ways to pique the other's interest. Sorry if this is TMI. I don't normally know if this is even important in the grand scheme of things in assessing how well couples work at being together. Nowadays with hearing how women can use sex to keep the man on the hook it makes me wonder.

I'd like to think we are slowly rebuilding intimacy not just from the sex but everything else where we share moments and have these positive exchanges where she feels I am invested.

I feel like I am being patient living my life wanting to see signs. I want to hear my W admit and recognize her share of the dmg or deterioration to the marriage and that she is all in to saving it or all in to try recon before I give up this apartment. It's hard paying these extra bills and being at the house and having money going out there too. But for now, finances are okay.

I've seen firsthand how things can swing from left to right quickly in the blink of an eye. At first sign of what I thought was possible recon I was eager to share some of this personal growth. Not saying I'm pulled back 100% but I almost have. She's in counseling. We are working on it. We're slowly communicating better about the kids, us. We're in the same bed, not separated. We're slowly rebuilding that connection, that bridge. This time I am doing it slower. No rush.

Earlier her boss texted her random weekend text saying how all the guys at work went on a hunting trip and no one asked the women if they wanted to go. She said she would call some of the ladies up and asked if my W wanted to go wine tasting. She said sure. I told her I was all for it. I want both of us to live our lives and be happy. Right now, I am finding happiness where I can with her. I think with counseling we will agree at some point that we make our own happiness.

I look at this 3 day weekend like I have the whole world in front of me and my W is welcomed to come along if she wants. I plan to cook a new dish for this weekend and take my boys out somewhere. got the little one a new baseball t for the back yard so will do that too. Looking to get them new gloves.

okay so although I have been working out and increasing some of my normal eating back, we apparently splurged a bit this summer and I gained a few pounds back. Trying to double down on the working out for next month but to be better at overall weight loss going into 2020.

I don't plan to give my W an anniversary gift but maybe a card. Not sure if my stance will change on that. She seems she is on board to celebrating us being together. She's excited about it actually with getting the room. It'll be one night with us away from the kids after the reception party.

I cant predict what's going to happen. Trying not to think about the negative, but be in the moment and thankful for now. Even keeled, emotional control. GAL. That will be a shift of focus. I had been trying to deal and cope where I was good at doing most of it alone. I still go out to places alone. I'd have these small conversations with people on my own time. last two books I had been looking through and not serious reading was on pleasing the woman and the art of conversation. I've felt like I've been a bit of an introvert and needed time to come out of my shell. And, with that... clicking post.