Guess I'm standing. Was "now what?"

[BarbH]

Thanks KML. I'm still digesting this. So,he cheated 15 years ago, and I think the guilt has poisoned our marriage ever since (hence his statement that this marriage was over 15 years ago). His recent "EA" with the workfriend-when I read his messages, he broke it off with her, came home and said "it was a friendship that went crazy"....

His family all tells me he still loves me, and he's "confused". So his sister (where he's been staying for 2 months) finally cracks the shell and finds out about the old PA. Then she (as described above) gets us together and the above situation happens.

Now, 24 hours later, I've had to text him about a couple of things-regarding our financing. I get no response.

I'm weighing pros and cons:

Pro: "I love you". talk about future. "I like spending time with you". "I miss our holidays" The hug. The "I'm sorry".
"When your mother died everything just came crashing down (I suspected this). When his sister pushed him he wouldn't say "I'm done". Hasn't wanted to sign separation agreement, hasn't cancelled joint life insurance. Wants to get me firewood for the winter, wants me to stay for a year.

Cons: Crickets again today, no response. still no "I miss you". no "I want to come back". No ""Ill work on this"

My thoughts: He's always been a runner-when he gets emotional, he has to hide before coming back. Is he just "hiding" again now? Did he scare himself? Did I scare him by forgiving him? When he whispered "I'm sorry"., good grief, I assumed "I'm sorry for everything/the affair/our situation". Maybe he just meant "Sorry I'm still leaving?" But then why not say so? why the clinch?

When I look back, we seem to be much closer now than at BD and BD#2. 10 weeks ago-he was adamant we were done. "There's nothing to talk about".

I'm seeing my therapist again Friday. H wants to talk when I get back from Halifax. I now have no idea what to expect.

So KML-to answer your question. I was totally blown away by this, but it makes sense. I get the "you deserve someone better" "I know right from wrong" "when this is over, we won't even be friends" etc. I think this was the deep dark secret that when our marriage got rocky and I wanted counselling he refused out of fear/shame/guilt.

So-Yes, I want to rebuild a new, stronger, better marriage and partnership. If he comes back, I need to establish my boundaries first

-I've forgiven, but I have questions re the affair.
-"Workfriend" has to be work contact only.
-Individual and marriage counselling.

I don't know if he loves me enough to do this, even with his secret exposed.

So since he's not responding, back to dimness and businesslike manner I guess.