Differentiation, Validation, and Fascination.

[eyesopened]

Deep emotional connection is the ONLY ticket to that happy place...

I agree absolutely. For the last few weeks, I've been following Michele's recommendations in the Keeping Love Alive tapes, and her books, The Divorce Remedy and The Sex Starved Marriage, along with info from Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs; and I've changed my focus from looking for causes and analyzing family of origin issues to looking for solutions and taking action.

A few weeks ago, I believed that romance and emotional closeness in my marriage were gone forever. But, we're getting along much better, we're more open and affectionate with each other, our fights and arguments end quickly now, we're more direct with each other about what we want and expect, and my husband and I are ML approximately 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day now, except when he travels out of town as he often does.

Sexual desire without the emotional factor for me is caused by hormones (it's cyclical and is probably a biological urge to make babies) and is something that I usually ignore since it lasts for approximately half an hour at a time and it's seldom at a time when my husband and I can make love (we have 3 kids, and he leaves for work at 7 in the morning and doesn't get home until 6:30 in the evening). I can also get physically aroused by porn films, but the resulting sex feels empty and unsatisfying to me (we tried this a few years ago, and even my husband didn't care much for it).

What I've discovered in the last few weeks is that I'm one of the women described by Michele and Willard Harley whose sexual desire is linked to emotional closeness to her husband.

To use a car analogy, it's as though my sexual desire for my husband is like a race car (ok, that's my husband's description). In one sense, I'm the mechanic who's responsible for keeping the engine in good running condition and for preventing and fixing certain problems (illness, fatigue, anger, etc.). My husband's love and affection are like fuel.

When the engine's in good condition (not very difficult to accomplish) and my husband's providing the necessary fuel which only he can provide, I feel as though I'm "on". It's as though the car is already running and ready to race (the stage between "start your engines" and "go"). In that state, all it takes is an indication from my husband that he wants to ML or that he'd like me to initiate for us to take off (this includes everything from long romantic sessions to quickies to me taking care of him with my hands and mouth). And that kind of sex is a lot more fun and satisfying to both of us than sex that is basically "scratch an itch" type.

Incidentally, the race car analogy has given us a whole new vocabulary and code words regarding ML; plus it keeps certain discussions toned down. For example, last Friday, he came home in a grouchy mood and snapped at me twice without warning. Before, this would have led to an argument or the silent treatment from me. This time, however, I was able to look at him and say that he what he just did was like puncturing my fuel tank and causing a leak, which he could fix quickly with a hug and apology or wait until I was able to fix it (a few hours of me keeping my distance). So, he hugged and said he was sorry and everything was fine between us again.

BTW, I read PM and believe that it has some good concepts, but it's not as useful for my husband and me as Michele's and Harley's books and Michele's KLA tapes, which I'm doing now, since sex was the one area in our marriage where we had no trouble communicating except for my husband's failure to tell me that he felt rejected when I turned down his advances when I was tired, irritable, emotionally distanced from him, etc. I've apologized several times to him for the past when I turned him down for sex (I can't imagine how hurt I'd feel if I'd walked into his arms for a hug only to have him turn away and say he was tired or busy) and have told him outright that I won't ever say no to him again (I'm also one of the women Michele describes who can really get into it once we start).

I also agree with Michele and Harley about the importance of sex in marriage, but in our case, it was pushed to the back burner behind work and kids and other stuff, which led to a downward spiral with less sex and less emotional closeness which led to even less sex and less emotional closeness, etc. In our case, Michele's advice to the LD (lower desire) spouse to just do it and to increase the frequency of ML seems to be working to improve the whole marriage and the spiral is now going up instead of down. I wish I'd known this earlier.

BTW, I'd still describe myself as LD (low drive) if the only criteria is physical drive, otherwise known as "horniness". But, I think I'm now HD if the criteria is desire for my husband, and I feel emotionally close to him. My husband's always been HD, physically and emotionally. One thing that surprised me, however, was that when I first apologized to my husband and followed the "just do it" recommendation, we ML often the first week. Then it tapered off, and he asked for foot rubs more than ML. After a week or two, his desire to ML has roared back (but he's still getting frequent foot rubs while we're watching TV).