Hello all. I've been following the forum for the last couple of weeks, and I've found it to be very helpful. My wife (34 years old) decided 4 weeks ago that she was no longer in love with me, and told me she was considering getting a divorce.
A couple of days later, it was revealed that she is having an emotional affair with some guy who lives 1000 miles away, and she refuses to stop texting with him. I told her that with the OM in the picture, our relationship could not possibly move forward in any way. She still refuses to stop communicating with the OM.
Now, I admit our marriage was not perfect, and I certainly was not perfect. But now she says the last 13 years of being together were hell for her because I was too controlling and selfish. I was not aware she felt this way, and I told her that these are things we can work on, if only we both commit to working on them.
She says that now she doesn't know what she wants, and that she needs time and space to think about herself. She has moved into a hotel down the street, but still comes by to play with the dogs, to do her laundry here, and sometimes she has dinner with me. We don't have any kids.
My question is: How do I proceed with this situation? Should I do the LRT? Or just the regular non-LRT stuff in the book The Divorce Remedy? Or something else entirely? Help please!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The first thing is to take deep breaths and pause. Don't be in a rush to contact her or make big decisions.
Days into my sitch I rashly decided to Go Dark (similar to Last Resort Technique) when I wasn't ready for it and broke down and contacted her 3 days later. lmao. I probably set my situation back 3 weeks!
Over and over we see folks worsen their sitch with impulsive actions.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Originally Posted by "Dbx80"
A couple of days later, it was revealed
How was it revealed? There's a difference between her telling you and you discovering on your own. Do you know how long this EA has been ongoing? How did it start? How serious is it?
Originally Posted by "Dbx80"
she refuses to stop texting with him.
How does she justify having an EA while married? Has she told you why she won't stop talking to him?
The more we know about your story the better the board can advise!
The EA came to light when I saw her texts showing up on her iPad in real time (her iPad was at home with me, and she was out and about with her iPhone). I later confronted her about it, and she admitted it.
She justifies the texting by saying they are just friends, that’s he’s just a distraction, and that he really listens to her. I’ve explained that those types of “flirty” texts are highly inappropriate for a married spouse, but i suppose she thinks that since she’s “unsure” about whether she wants to continue in the marriage at this point, it’s no longer “cheating” since we’re “on a break.” She’s told me that I can date others if I want to, “as long as nothing physical happens.”
She’s asking for time and space so give her time and space. When she comes to see the dogs make sure you have plans. You can’t make her stop the EA. Sounds like she thinks you’re a control freak so that is more of the same behavior. Too early for LRT. Become less available and never contact her first. When she contacts you keep it business like.
What is the point of being scarce? On the one hand, I understand that being scarce will give her the "time and space" she has requested. On the other hand, I feel like giving her all this time and space will just bring her closer to the OM, whom she is still texting with on a regular basis (per her own admission).
Wouldn't it be better to be friendly and available with her so that she can see that I'm not the monster her wayward mind has suddenly framed me to be, and so that I can compare favorably to the OM? I feel like being scarce would just affirm her current thoughts about my being selfish and neglectful.
I guess what I'm asking is: Isn't it better to be friendly than absent? I'm not talking about pursuing her or pressuring her. I'm just talking about being present and friendly when we happen to be in the same room together for whatever reason.
And I know, I don't just want to be friends with her. I want to be her life-long husband. But don't people have to be friends before they become lovers and life-long partners?
I guess I just find it hard to believe that by leaving her alone and being scarce, that she will just magically "snap out of it" and coming running back to me. Being passive and distant like that doesn't sound like a winning strategy to my logical brain.
You should always be cordial when in the same room together.
So you are asking if you should compete with OM for your W?
You say above that she is asking for time and space and you are indicating you don’t want to give her time and space so in essence that is more selfish behavior. Everything above is about what you want.
Think of it this way. Imagine you now intensely disliked someone who once was very close to you, and wanted them nowhere near you. This is how your W feels about you now.
Would it make you feel better about that person you now dislike if they hovered around you? Probably not. In fact, you'd probably dislike them more.
Listen to LH19, ovrrnbw and the other veterans here, and trust the process they put to you. You're lucky in that you've come here early. Make sure you've read Sandi's 37 rules - print them off. Start DB'ing! Her leaving you means you need to adopt a DILLIGAF attitude to that.
Originally Posted by Dbx80
Being passive and distant like that doesn't sound like a winning strategy to my logical brain.
There is very little logic to the actions of these spouses who leave. Trust me, I'm a big logic guy and I'm still struggling with the lack of logic 7 months later. Your W's decision was emotional.
Originally Posted by Dbx80
But don't people have to be friends before they become lovers and life-long partners?
Not really mate. When I first met my XW at a club, within 5 minutes she was 'reading my palm' and telling me there was a line on my palm which said she'd be my next lover. It's about emotion, attraction, and the vibe you give off.
Good luck mate!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
