Persistent Endurance (Part 6)

[sandi2]

I need to consider that she was emotionally D at BD, and that her reality was that we were D (paper MR only) and she was free to do what/who she wanted. My reality was that I’ve still considered us married this whole time. I need to come to grips with that and if I was in a new relationship with her or someone else, then I wouldn’t expect that person to disclose everything about their past, lovers, escapades, etc. Sure, those may come up at some point, but full disclosure up front would not be a requirement to start a new relationship.

What?!


This is an example of your NGS and just how little respect you have for yourself. We've tried to tell you her viewpoint, based on what we've learned about the wayward W.....but that doesn't mean it was reality or that you should condone her wayward mentality.....nor, sweep it under the rug (should there be a new R). You will not have a new R with her if it's built on lies, deceit, and secrets. So, you think you would be in the wrong to expect her to be up front with you about her affairs? Man oh man! At what point do you think full disclosure would be a requirement to start a new relationship? IMHO, I would want full disclosure before I committed the second time around.

Even if you married another woman, and if she had slept with....say....... your best friend, your boss, or a relative, you wouldn't expect her to disclose that information before you married her? Perhaps she was legally free to sleep with anyone she chose, but ethically, would you not want her to respect you enough to let you hear it from her? If I was going to marry someone, I'd want to know about their past, lovers, and escapades. (I'm not talking about disclosing the dirty details of them having sex).

What I really wanted to rebuild trust was confidence that the other R’s were over and a feeling of safety and security that they would never happen again.

The burden of rebuilding trust, IMHO, is mainly on the person who's guilty of betrayal. It's up to her to show that she can be trusted again, after violating it. Now I realize that trust is like "faith" and it's up to you, but when it comes to reconciliation and/or a new relationship with that same person, I believe they should make amends before you just jump in trusting again. See, from the get-go you have tried to make allowances and put her with you in the same shoe, but it didn't work b/c she doesn't want what you want. She doesn't feel what you feel. She doesn't honor what you honor.

Not rehashing details about the past.

It's funny that you make this statement, b/c you are the one who is always wanting to have a R talk, or confront her. Maybe it wasn't to rehash the past, but you do a lot of talking about what you want. I get the feeling that you think telling her about this great new marriage would convince her to come back home. The only thing that will convince her to join you in making a new MR is for her to see you moving forward without her.

I wanted it to be a time to move forward. I wanted to have more intimacy with her than we had before, so there wouldn’t need to be secrets and we could share our feelings, concerns, and expectations.

These are dreams, not actions.

I wanted us to be able to be vulnerable around each other

Stop right there, b/c I think you used this vulnerable word in past posts. Let's look that word up in the dictionary.
1) susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm; 2) (of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.

IMHO, women don't want a vulnerable man for her husband. She wants him to be the strong one, not the vulnerable one in the relationship. Maybe that is something you need to examine about the past. It's the woman who looks to her H for protection and leadership. Perhaps she didn't get that vibe from you, b/c you showed weakness and she couldn't lean on your strength.

and feel safe that we are not judging but rather supportive and understanding.

If I was the WW and heard you present this talk, I would immediately recognize you speaking for both of us. You are trying to paint the glowing picture of a perfect relationship, hoping to lasso her and pull her back. It is heavy pursuing words, even if you think you are simply describing what "you" want.

I’m conflicted between confronting her and moving forward with D, giving her the choice to commit or initiate D, or continue NC.

See? There you go again, wanting to confront (talk) and giving her the choice to commit or initiate D. How many times will it take telling you this plan doesn't work, before you accept that it really doesn't work? You don't tell a WW to commit or initiate D. She has already proven she doesn't want to commit, and she's not initiating D b/c she benefits from being Mrs. Curtis.