Communication of my boundaries has been an ongoing process done through open and clear statements as well as actions which back them up. The best thing I could have done here is to grow a backbone about my boundaries while still maintaining a loving understanding of my wife's very crappy developmental years.
Another great thing about this stuff is that I only need my permission! I wonder what took me so long to figure this out. It seems so simple. I am sure it had to do with me getting some sort of self-esteem out of "helping" others and hating to put my foot down out of fear of pissing someone off. NO MORE OF THAT CRAP! This has been a bit tough on the wife but she is learning to cope.
A lot of my wife's troubles have to do with my her paralyzing fears of abandonment (mother left her when she was 1 year old), her father's poor parenting skills ("you are helpless so you better find yourself a good man to take care of you!" is what my wife heard all the time growing up), in addition to her step-grandfather's attempts to molest her when she was 8-10 years old and no one doing anything about it. In the past, I always had this big desire to "help" her by being a sort of surrogate parent (major bad idea). Watching my wife struggle is kind of painful for me from time to time but I know it is necessary. I just lend an ear or shoulder when she needs it and stick to my guns.
Oh yeah, my motivations. From a sexual standpoint my motivation stems from wanting to grow closer with my wife (about 85%). The other 15% just wants the feeling of passion and "warm body" My wife knows this on no uncertain terms. She knows that I want HER because of who she is and because I love her, but she also is aware that there is a smaller part of me that wants the physical act of sex for no other reason than just the physical act of sex. If I were to lead her to believe differently I would be lying to her (that is another by product of this whole differentiation thing, you no longer feel compelled to hide the truth or tell "little white lies" to protect someone or yourself). It is up to her to decide what she wants to do with that (and all the rest of it as well).
